I have known this friend since I probably was 8.Been there for me for many years! Through the rough times and the good times. We lost touch for a bit while I was in high school and even now, our friendship is on and off! Quite frankly though, I really want this friend gone! I really do! I mean seriously who wants to get rid of a friend that has been around since I was 8! 21 long years!Oops does that reveal my age? You might ask, what is soo wrong about this friend. I mean this friend has been with you for years! Whats soo wrong with them now that you really want them gone. Well this weight has prevented me from doing certain things I probably would want to do, prevents me from wearing certain types of clothes because it constantly reminds me how ridiculous I look in those clothes. However its that same friend that will show its ass the minute I have that second helping of apple pie! Showing me the effects of over eating and making me feel guilty the next morning when my tightest pair of jeans will not button up.
I really dont like this friend! I hate her/him actually! I mean some people say our relationship is not that bad and that with time I might be able to get rid of them but its really not that bad! However I can't stand them! I really can't! Plus some of my friends are quick to point out how bad this friend is and no matter how hard i work to get rid of him or her some days she wont go or she is soo quick to come back when i slip up!
Actually, you will be surprised most of you have this very friend! Fighting with them for years! Some of you managed to get rid of them and Kudos to you! Share your secret.
So as I embark on my journey to get rid of this friend I will keep you all posted! Might take longer than I hope but this time I am totally determined to get rid of he/she and I believe I will be successful! Wish me luck because its going to be a very long ride but it will happen! I am actually excited!! Finally going to be gone! All I can say is good riddance and dont ever come back!
Ohhh I guess you are wondering who this friend is... well, if you havent figured out by now, its my.... weight!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Fake ass bitches
I have a lot of friends...many I made along the way. Of course like all friends, you have the branches, the leaves and the roots...My root friends very few but what hurts the most is knowing that one of your so called "roots" is actually a weed! coniving, ruthless and just low down dirty. Pretends they love you, pretends they want whats best for you, but they go around just killing all your flowers, making your garden look uncared for. You give them your all, you give them your trust but when you turn around they are the first to stab you in the back...fake ass bitches! fucking ass bitches. Cant trust them, never should. Even when they make you think they have your best at heart dont trust them.
I hate it when they pretend to like you when really they hate you! I am one of those people, I dont need to keep friends to validate myself. If I actually want you in my life, I will make you stay but if I dont you can fly. Dont do me any favours. If you want out leave! I am not holding you back. But dont stay if you dont want to. Dont stay if all you do is talk shit behind me! Going around saying shit you dont even know! GET LOST!!! FUCKING LEAVE! I dont need you!!!
I am hurt, I feel betrayed, I feel lied to! Let me tell you this, Once I am done, its over! There is no coming back! And if you even want back I wont let you in! FAKE ASS BITCHES!!
I hate it when they pretend to like you when really they hate you! I am one of those people, I dont need to keep friends to validate myself. If I actually want you in my life, I will make you stay but if I dont you can fly. Dont do me any favours. If you want out leave! I am not holding you back. But dont stay if you dont want to. Dont stay if all you do is talk shit behind me! Going around saying shit you dont even know! GET LOST!!! FUCKING LEAVE! I dont need you!!!
I am hurt, I feel betrayed, I feel lied to! Let me tell you this, Once I am done, its over! There is no coming back! And if you even want back I wont let you in! FAKE ASS BITCHES!!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Journey
It's been a long day and yet my day is far from over. I never though this day would come and yet I saw it coming. I knew it was going to happen no matter how many times I postponed it. It's like knowing your fate and yet still trying to find ways to prolong the the process. Though I did not want this day to come, I am not sad. I actually feel fulfilled. Like my purpose has been served. My chapter has come to a close. Its scary yet exciting at the same time. My needs, my desires, my goals haven't changed I still want the same thing but right now, I am at peace with where my life has taken me. Not necessarily the path I had chosen for myself but its okay. For some reason I strongly believe that though its not where I was headed, it was where I needed to go.
I've been up since 7:30 this morning and it just seems like the day flew. One minute i was kissing and playing with my nephews in Maryland the next I was lugging my heavy bags down the busy streets of Manhattan! I kept repeating to myself " I really need to learn how to pack light" I might be the only person who feels this way but I never know what to bring along with me. My friends have teased me for years about my inability to pack light but now I am beginning to realise that my indecisive ways of not knowing exactly what to bring my land me in hospital with severe back pains if i continue to travel this way.
My day had been going pretty okay...seemed like everything was falling into place till I got to port authority and found out that my tix to Canada was no longer valid and i had to dish out an exuberant amount of money for a new tix! Of course I was upset about it but I managed to convince myself that it was better to have dished out the money than to wait till I actually was boarding the bus and was told that I couldn't board the bus and risk missing the bus and being stuck on the streets of Manhattan for the night with no place to stay. Now that would have been upsetting. Instead, I have paid for a tix with money I don't have but at least I am sitting comfortably on a bus on my way to Toronto.
I think my time in Maryland was worthwhile. A lot happened while i was there yet, nothing happened at all! I finally realised that even though i do have people i love and care about there, i could live there even without them. Of course I would miss them dearly but I realised that my love for the states didn't have to do with family and friends but just feeling like i was somewhere I belonged. Somewhere I felt at home even when I had no money in my pocket and had absolutely nothing to do.
I grew up in Maryland. I matured. I opened my eyes to a lot of things around me that i previously was blind to and most importantly I came to a decision about something I was holding back on. I know its not going to be the same but its okay because I had to do it for me and no one else...
So as I journey back home, I think to myself...is this life? Or is it just the beginning?...
I've been up since 7:30 this morning and it just seems like the day flew. One minute i was kissing and playing with my nephews in Maryland the next I was lugging my heavy bags down the busy streets of Manhattan! I kept repeating to myself " I really need to learn how to pack light" I might be the only person who feels this way but I never know what to bring along with me. My friends have teased me for years about my inability to pack light but now I am beginning to realise that my indecisive ways of not knowing exactly what to bring my land me in hospital with severe back pains if i continue to travel this way.
My day had been going pretty okay...seemed like everything was falling into place till I got to port authority and found out that my tix to Canada was no longer valid and i had to dish out an exuberant amount of money for a new tix! Of course I was upset about it but I managed to convince myself that it was better to have dished out the money than to wait till I actually was boarding the bus and was told that I couldn't board the bus and risk missing the bus and being stuck on the streets of Manhattan for the night with no place to stay. Now that would have been upsetting. Instead, I have paid for a tix with money I don't have but at least I am sitting comfortably on a bus on my way to Toronto.
I think my time in Maryland was worthwhile. A lot happened while i was there yet, nothing happened at all! I finally realised that even though i do have people i love and care about there, i could live there even without them. Of course I would miss them dearly but I realised that my love for the states didn't have to do with family and friends but just feeling like i was somewhere I belonged. Somewhere I felt at home even when I had no money in my pocket and had absolutely nothing to do.
I grew up in Maryland. I matured. I opened my eyes to a lot of things around me that i previously was blind to and most importantly I came to a decision about something I was holding back on. I know its not going to be the same but its okay because I had to do it for me and no one else...
So as I journey back home, I think to myself...is this life? Or is it just the beginning?...
Friday, May 22, 2009
Random thoughts
So I decided, my blogs will not always take the story telling form. Some days I'll have blogs just talk about different things going through my head. So sit back and enjoy.
Teeth:
I love my teeth. The only thing that make my teeth less than perfect is, when I was 10 I believe, I was playing hide and seek, I fell down and chipped my front tooth..gives my smile character and in some cases not that obvious but what thing that really bugs me about my teeth is the fact that stuff get stuck in there and sometimes can only be removed through flossing. Do people with gappy teeth face that problem? Does food ever get stuck in gappy teeth? Does it mean they do not have to floss?
Body:
Who honestly decided that they know what the perfect body should be? Isn't the perfect body defined by each person? Why do I sometimes feel soo insecure about how I look because I believe that my body is far from perfect? Why can't I love me for being me? why do I have to strive to be something else? I think I have decent legs, I think my shape is beautiful, might not have a big ass but I do have big breast so I can't be that bad. But really who defined what the perfect body is? Why can't I just love who i am instead of comparing my body to other women?
Love:
Have I been in love? I don't know don't really think I have? am I in love right now? Maybe who knows? may be not. How come, we fall for those who don't fall for us? What makes that person so special that makes you fall for them but doesn't make you special enough for them to fall for you? Why is life such a way that we can't meet the one right away and just be with them forever. Why do we have to go through meeting so many different people before we settle for one and even then, its not guaranteed? Do women fall harder than men? or do men fall harder but are just better at hiding their emotions? Why can't we just be able to figure out when someone feels strongly about you. why do we enter love blind? Why cant you get over someone as quickly. Why do we even fall in love?
Religion:
I believe in God, I strongly do! However, I wonder sometimes, is he really there? What makes our believe so strong or so weak that we cant understand? Do people have faith when they say they have faith? Or people say they have faith because once you believe in God you are supposed to? I like to believe I have faith. but most times I doubt life and circumstances and shameful as this may sound God's ability. I know he exist and I do know he has done so much for me but some days I wonder is he really there?
Parents:
I love my parents! I love them to death. Life without them is unimaginable. Am I happy with them? Probably not? do I like them? some days I really do some days I probably don't. Why? because they don't get me(but mind you some days I don't get myself) I like to believe they do want whats best for me but I honestly wonder if they know what is best for me? Isn't really what they want for me more of what they want for themselves. I strongly believe parents live vicariously through their children. they may not believe that but its true. Its like their second chance of rectifying the past. Unfortunately they forget that we are separate human beings with separate ways of thinking and thus may not have common interest and path. Will I become my parents...I hate to admit but I probably will..I will try to switch things up but I strongly believe that no matter what you do become like your parents even if you try not to be...
Teeth:
I love my teeth. The only thing that make my teeth less than perfect is, when I was 10 I believe, I was playing hide and seek, I fell down and chipped my front tooth..gives my smile character and in some cases not that obvious but what thing that really bugs me about my teeth is the fact that stuff get stuck in there and sometimes can only be removed through flossing. Do people with gappy teeth face that problem? Does food ever get stuck in gappy teeth? Does it mean they do not have to floss?
Body:
Who honestly decided that they know what the perfect body should be? Isn't the perfect body defined by each person? Why do I sometimes feel soo insecure about how I look because I believe that my body is far from perfect? Why can't I love me for being me? why do I have to strive to be something else? I think I have decent legs, I think my shape is beautiful, might not have a big ass but I do have big breast so I can't be that bad. But really who defined what the perfect body is? Why can't I just love who i am instead of comparing my body to other women?
Love:
Have I been in love? I don't know don't really think I have? am I in love right now? Maybe who knows? may be not. How come, we fall for those who don't fall for us? What makes that person so special that makes you fall for them but doesn't make you special enough for them to fall for you? Why is life such a way that we can't meet the one right away and just be with them forever. Why do we have to go through meeting so many different people before we settle for one and even then, its not guaranteed? Do women fall harder than men? or do men fall harder but are just better at hiding their emotions? Why can't we just be able to figure out when someone feels strongly about you. why do we enter love blind? Why cant you get over someone as quickly. Why do we even fall in love?
Religion:
I believe in God, I strongly do! However, I wonder sometimes, is he really there? What makes our believe so strong or so weak that we cant understand? Do people have faith when they say they have faith? Or people say they have faith because once you believe in God you are supposed to? I like to believe I have faith. but most times I doubt life and circumstances and shameful as this may sound God's ability. I know he exist and I do know he has done so much for me but some days I wonder is he really there?
Parents:
I love my parents! I love them to death. Life without them is unimaginable. Am I happy with them? Probably not? do I like them? some days I really do some days I probably don't. Why? because they don't get me(but mind you some days I don't get myself) I like to believe they do want whats best for me but I honestly wonder if they know what is best for me? Isn't really what they want for me more of what they want for themselves. I strongly believe parents live vicariously through their children. they may not believe that but its true. Its like their second chance of rectifying the past. Unfortunately they forget that we are separate human beings with separate ways of thinking and thus may not have common interest and path. Will I become my parents...I hate to admit but I probably will..I will try to switch things up but I strongly believe that no matter what you do become like your parents even if you try not to be...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Shaved legs and wrinkles clothes
I am tired, I am exhausted and I am hot! Its only 3:30pm and I feel like I have been up since yesterday. I am contemplating on whether to take a quick power nap so I am ready for the kids when they come up the stairs or to just sit back and breath..at this rate the relaxing part is probably my best option since I know that once I lay my head down I wont be up for hours...As I inhale deeply I reflect back on my day and it all comes back to me....
I lay asleep, deep and peaceful lost in my dreams as I heard my name whispered softly as I wonder where the voice is coming from, I hear my door squeak open an I get up! "Ohhh Right!" I said as I remembered that she had to go into work this morning as I promised to lay by the kids till they woke up. As my cousin gave me a minute to gather my stuff and head into her room as she got ready, it dawned on me I had lunch plans today and that I really wont have that much time after I get the kids settled in with the nanny. As I run a mental check of the clothes I could possibly wear out I walked into my cousins room and got into bed.
It's 8:30am and I am standing in the pantry trying to decide whether to have cereal or toast as it dawned on me how tired I was. I thought it was going to be easy. Once I got to my cousins bedroom I immediately assumed that if I at least managed to get the baby back to sleep I would be able to catch a quick snooze before the older child got up, Unfortunately just as the baby drifted into sleep, the older one woke up and I knew my chance of snoozing was gone for the day. I tried to stay up but my eyes kept closing until I finally just got up and chased the little one around as he decided it would be fun to get into everything!I was frustrated! Can't he just nod off again? Geez! I am tired, but the more i chased him, the more excited he got because he thought it was a game! I finally got them dressed and ready to spend the rest of the day with the nanny as I sat and ate my cereal. I was planning my day, I was going to visit my girlfriend and then head into the city for lunch. "Drat!" As I ran my hands down my legs " I have to shave!" I quickly run up the stairs to head into the bathroom. Just as I take off my clothes it occurs to me I really have to iron my clothes! I hate ironing but I wasn't going to go into the city with hairy legs and wrinkled clothes.
I sit on my bed in my shorts and bra and it dawns on me. I didn't check to see if our lunch was still on for noon! As I lean over and type a message, I try to put my clothes together. "I am sorry I think I am going to have to cancel" the message read.
"What" I yell! as I sink into my bed with disappointment! Of course my immediate response to him was "ohh" as he continues to explain. "its not his fault!" I thought but my immediate reaction was upset and disappointment...I really hate to admit it but I had been looking forward to it. I always enjoy his company, he makes me laugh and our conversations are always fun. I guess I just had to deal it was just not going to be.
I lay asleep, deep and peaceful lost in my dreams as I heard my name whispered softly as I wonder where the voice is coming from, I hear my door squeak open an I get up! "Ohhh Right!" I said as I remembered that she had to go into work this morning as I promised to lay by the kids till they woke up. As my cousin gave me a minute to gather my stuff and head into her room as she got ready, it dawned on me I had lunch plans today and that I really wont have that much time after I get the kids settled in with the nanny. As I run a mental check of the clothes I could possibly wear out I walked into my cousins room and got into bed.
It's 8:30am and I am standing in the pantry trying to decide whether to have cereal or toast as it dawned on me how tired I was. I thought it was going to be easy. Once I got to my cousins bedroom I immediately assumed that if I at least managed to get the baby back to sleep I would be able to catch a quick snooze before the older child got up, Unfortunately just as the baby drifted into sleep, the older one woke up and I knew my chance of snoozing was gone for the day. I tried to stay up but my eyes kept closing until I finally just got up and chased the little one around as he decided it would be fun to get into everything!I was frustrated! Can't he just nod off again? Geez! I am tired, but the more i chased him, the more excited he got because he thought it was a game! I finally got them dressed and ready to spend the rest of the day with the nanny as I sat and ate my cereal. I was planning my day, I was going to visit my girlfriend and then head into the city for lunch. "Drat!" As I ran my hands down my legs " I have to shave!" I quickly run up the stairs to head into the bathroom. Just as I take off my clothes it occurs to me I really have to iron my clothes! I hate ironing but I wasn't going to go into the city with hairy legs and wrinkled clothes.
I sit on my bed in my shorts and bra and it dawns on me. I didn't check to see if our lunch was still on for noon! As I lean over and type a message, I try to put my clothes together. "I am sorry I think I am going to have to cancel" the message read.
"What" I yell! as I sink into my bed with disappointment! Of course my immediate response to him was "ohh" as he continues to explain. "its not his fault!" I thought but my immediate reaction was upset and disappointment...I really hate to admit it but I had been looking forward to it. I always enjoy his company, he makes me laugh and our conversations are always fun. I guess I just had to deal it was just not going to be.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
4am
It's hot! My throat feels a little scratchy and I am debating whether I should go back upstairs and pick up my lap top charger to charge up my lap top but the thought of going up the stairs just after I descended them does not appeal to me. Oprah is on but I have no clue what the story for today is about and quite honestly I do not care but the only thing on my mind right now is 4am this morning.
4am, fast asleep probably dreaming of some hot guy just running his hands down my body as i moan in Ecstasy and then I feel it, I hear it, the buzzing and vibrating sound that I know a little too well some days I am glad to hear it and feel it others I just want it to shut up! I contemplate whether to roll over and grab it or to keep lying there till it goes of but my curiosity has the best of me and quite honestly I just want to know who could be interrupting such pleasure so I lean over and pick it up...."grrrr!!" I can't believe it!! This psycho!!!! Like seriously!!! I quickly hit the ignore button and roll back over as I try to recapture the pleasure I was experiencing before....
7:30am
I pick up my fone, look at missed calls and realise, it really wasn't a dream. It really did ring at 4am! I can't believe this!! I switch to my sms option and quickly send a text. I know this text will definitely get the reaction I am looking for...and yes some sympathy as well. 20 minutes later I hear my familiar ring tone "You give me hell" I love American Rejects! I quickly pick up and to no surprise it was the call I had been expecting! " Hahahahahahhahaha Girl! I know! She is crazy!! I told she was going to blow up your fone "my cousin said as she continued to chuckle! " I was sooo mad!!! I mean come on!! Just because you are mad at her does not mean i have to get a call and at 4am!! I mean seriously! I tell you girl, I really can't keep dealing with this! Its not my fault things are turning out the way they are. She is really getting on my nerves!" As we chitter chatter a bit more, my cousin ends the call by saying she has to rush off into a meeting and will call me once she was out of her meeting and I hang up. I pick up my fone again and send a message " Is everything okay?" within seconds I get a response. " Yes everything is fine, I am sorry my fone must have dialed your number while I was at work but I am heading to bed now so I will call you back" I say goodbye and I feel a little silly but at the same time I am a bit skeptical...seriously? My name does not start with the first letter in the alphabet so for the phone to mistakenly Dial my number is a bit fishy but I let it go....
I love her! She is great and I instantly connected with her when I first met her but after getting to know her a bit more, I really question her mental health. Is she okay? Is she disturbed or is she just extremely abused that some things that just does not make sense to the average person makes perfect sense to her! I begin to wonder if continuing a friendship with her is worth while or should I just try to be a bit more understanding to her situation, but its really hard....
4am, fast asleep probably dreaming of some hot guy just running his hands down my body as i moan in Ecstasy and then I feel it, I hear it, the buzzing and vibrating sound that I know a little too well some days I am glad to hear it and feel it others I just want it to shut up! I contemplate whether to roll over and grab it or to keep lying there till it goes of but my curiosity has the best of me and quite honestly I just want to know who could be interrupting such pleasure so I lean over and pick it up...."grrrr!!" I can't believe it!! This psycho!!!! Like seriously!!! I quickly hit the ignore button and roll back over as I try to recapture the pleasure I was experiencing before....
7:30am
I pick up my fone, look at missed calls and realise, it really wasn't a dream. It really did ring at 4am! I can't believe this!! I switch to my sms option and quickly send a text. I know this text will definitely get the reaction I am looking for...and yes some sympathy as well. 20 minutes later I hear my familiar ring tone "You give me hell" I love American Rejects! I quickly pick up and to no surprise it was the call I had been expecting! " Hahahahahahhahaha Girl! I know! She is crazy!! I told she was going to blow up your fone "my cousin said as she continued to chuckle! " I was sooo mad!!! I mean come on!! Just because you are mad at her does not mean i have to get a call and at 4am!! I mean seriously! I tell you girl, I really can't keep dealing with this! Its not my fault things are turning out the way they are. She is really getting on my nerves!" As we chitter chatter a bit more, my cousin ends the call by saying she has to rush off into a meeting and will call me once she was out of her meeting and I hang up. I pick up my fone again and send a message " Is everything okay?" within seconds I get a response. " Yes everything is fine, I am sorry my fone must have dialed your number while I was at work but I am heading to bed now so I will call you back" I say goodbye and I feel a little silly but at the same time I am a bit skeptical...seriously? My name does not start with the first letter in the alphabet so for the phone to mistakenly Dial my number is a bit fishy but I let it go....
I love her! She is great and I instantly connected with her when I first met her but after getting to know her a bit more, I really question her mental health. Is she okay? Is she disturbed or is she just extremely abused that some things that just does not make sense to the average person makes perfect sense to her! I begin to wonder if continuing a friendship with her is worth while or should I just try to be a bit more understanding to her situation, but its really hard....
Lets get started!
Hello World,
I believe I may have blogged before, nothing too serious, nothing extraordinary but as time goes on, I realise there is soo much to say so why not just put it out there. I do not believe my blogs may not be that interesting or insightful but hey, if the medium is available for me to express myself I might as well, So here I go!
I look at my life right now, and I believe its in chaos, maybe not chaotic but probably not as simple as it should be. I wonder sometimes, where is my life going? where am I going? I feel like I am in this vortex and I just keep getting sucked in but at the same time its almost by choice. As much as I like to believe there is a reason for why my life is the way it is, I sometimes believe I caused it. I do not want to get into too much details right now regarding the state of my affairs but each day as the day goes by I wonder,Is this really the direction I am headed or is this just a phase I am in and will soon snap out of it and get it together?....
My view on life changes each day depending on the situation. Some days I am extremely religious where I strongly believe God is in control of the direction I am taking and some days I am like? Get it together! You can change this if you really wanted to? So what can I say? I am confused? Maybe! I might be a little psychotic? probably so! Am I happy? I might be! Do I make sense? Definitely not! However, does it change the way I think? Not really!
So as I conclude this blog, I say to myself, Did I get a point across? Maybe I did maybe I didn't but like I said this is my first blog and I do believe with time and as circumstances change I will or might have enough things to say but till then I say stick with me, because its going to get a whole lot more interesting!
Cheers!
I believe I may have blogged before, nothing too serious, nothing extraordinary but as time goes on, I realise there is soo much to say so why not just put it out there. I do not believe my blogs may not be that interesting or insightful but hey, if the medium is available for me to express myself I might as well, So here I go!
I look at my life right now, and I believe its in chaos, maybe not chaotic but probably not as simple as it should be. I wonder sometimes, where is my life going? where am I going? I feel like I am in this vortex and I just keep getting sucked in but at the same time its almost by choice. As much as I like to believe there is a reason for why my life is the way it is, I sometimes believe I caused it. I do not want to get into too much details right now regarding the state of my affairs but each day as the day goes by I wonder,Is this really the direction I am headed or is this just a phase I am in and will soon snap out of it and get it together?....
My view on life changes each day depending on the situation. Some days I am extremely religious where I strongly believe God is in control of the direction I am taking and some days I am like? Get it together! You can change this if you really wanted to? So what can I say? I am confused? Maybe! I might be a little psychotic? probably so! Am I happy? I might be! Do I make sense? Definitely not! However, does it change the way I think? Not really!
So as I conclude this blog, I say to myself, Did I get a point across? Maybe I did maybe I didn't but like I said this is my first blog and I do believe with time and as circumstances change I will or might have enough things to say but till then I say stick with me, because its going to get a whole lot more interesting!
Cheers!
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