It's almost 11pm at night and every one is asleep. Finally some quiet! Don't get me wrong, I probably make the most noise but there are times when I just want some piece and quiet to reflect on my life. You may not know this, but even though I love to talk I actually enjoy not talking even more. So why do I talk? cus I can! lol However, sometimes I just want to be left alone, alone with my thoughts, to day dream, to dwell on the past,to think of the future to fantasize about different sexual acts I may want to get myself into. Anyway, I woke up this morning and for the first time in weeks I felt peace.
Its been hard. The past few months have been trying. Not knowing which direction my life was going to take. It seemed like everything I touched turn to stone. Flowers died when I stepped outside, it seems the sunniest days could get cloudy and raining the minute I chose to leave the house, my life was falling apart. I knew exactly which direction I wanted my life to go, but it seemed that the past few years, my life had lost control and was going down its own path without me. I have been struggling to keep up for so long that I almost gave up. However I finally realised this morning as I walked to the grocery store that I had allowed my life to go down its own path without me. I created this chaos. I dwelt so much on the negetive I never focused on what actually was going right in my life. For example, I have friends...true friends, very few but I have a few friends, I have never gone to bed hungry...well I have but thats only because i was trying to control my urges.I have never worried about a place to sleep,I even had a university education...which is useless to some extent but at least I have that. So I decided. I am not going to sit back and dwell on everything that seems to be wrong but focus on whats right. Its hard, especially for me but i have to try.
So I know a girl, who said By the end of last year she was going to be married...well guess what? She is getting engaged next month. Amazing, Wow! Unbelieveable...yes all that would be most people's reactions but quite honestly she put it out there and she believed it and it happened! Moral of the story, what you put out there you get. So i am going to try to speak positively. Sometimes its hard because when you share your dreams and aspirations with people some people are quick to shoot you down, find the flaws in your thinking, discourage you, make you doubt yourself but if I stop listening to them and listen to myself and believe it will happen!
So its 11pm now, I have an early bus to catch because my new life starts tomorrow but all i can say now is. I am grateful! My life is great!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Am I forsaken
Has the Lord Forsaken me! Am I his forgotten child? Will the Lord ever get to me? When will my time come? Why me? why me? Why me? These are thoughts that have been running through my mind constantly these past few months. I feel like I have fallen and there is no getting up. That bright light I saw at the end of the tunnel has been sealed off. My window of opportunity has been sealed shut and my door has been closed shut and the key thrown in the ocean. My woe is me mentality is weighing me down and though I want to say my faith is strong, its been withering away for months.
I know my life is not all that bad. I haven't been to bed hungry, I haven't worried about where to sleep. I haven't even worried about who loves me but when you have such high hopes and you believe that everything is going to work out and it seems like things are just getting worse and worse as the days go by you begin to wonder if there is ever an end! I dont want people to feel sorry for me and many times I even want to slap myself to snap out of it. its soo hard though! You see everyone around you is making things happen some way or the other and then I look at my life and no matter how hard i try i fail. I question my abilities, I question my intelligence, I question my actions. What have I done wrong? Am I being punished for a crime I committed? Are my evil ways and thoughts catching up to me? I wonder? I really wonder?
My faith has been walking on thin glass, my trust is waving thin. I do not know where to turn, in which direction to go. I dont even trust my instincts anymore.I dont even know if the decisions I have made in the past were smart.
However, I do not want to give up. I do not want to give in to my thoughts. I refuse to allow my negativity stand in my way! I still want to believe it will be well and everything will work out the way it needs to. I am going to try and start thanking God for what I have and just pray it only gets better! I have to! Its the only way I can stay sane.
I know my life is not all that bad. I haven't been to bed hungry, I haven't worried about where to sleep. I haven't even worried about who loves me but when you have such high hopes and you believe that everything is going to work out and it seems like things are just getting worse and worse as the days go by you begin to wonder if there is ever an end! I dont want people to feel sorry for me and many times I even want to slap myself to snap out of it. its soo hard though! You see everyone around you is making things happen some way or the other and then I look at my life and no matter how hard i try i fail. I question my abilities, I question my intelligence, I question my actions. What have I done wrong? Am I being punished for a crime I committed? Are my evil ways and thoughts catching up to me? I wonder? I really wonder?
My faith has been walking on thin glass, my trust is waving thin. I do not know where to turn, in which direction to go. I dont even trust my instincts anymore.I dont even know if the decisions I have made in the past were smart.
However, I do not want to give up. I do not want to give in to my thoughts. I refuse to allow my negativity stand in my way! I still want to believe it will be well and everything will work out the way it needs to. I am going to try and start thanking God for what I have and just pray it only gets better! I have to! Its the only way I can stay sane.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Death in the Air
I have been hesistating to write this blog for a few hours now but I just can't shake it so I finally decided to put it down. I lay awake this morning just thinking. I had just finished reading about the Air France story on cnn and the new update was 48 bodies have been found. At that moment all I could think about was death. The only sure thing for all of us. Dying.
Death scares me, probably scares most of us. The thought of never living again, not knowing what happens after one is gone if there is really heaven or hell and if there is, where I am going. Freaks me out. The inevitable. No matter what I do or say its going to come and it scares me. Not knowing when it will happen scares me, Knowing when it would happen would scare me more.There was probably only one time in my life I wasnt scared of dying. When my girl died. I saw her a couple of days before she died and she had accepted her fate. She knew it was coming and even if she was scared she sure didnt show it. She spent her last days comforting us instead of us comforting her. What made me realise she was ready to go was her last few moments on earth. Wanting to take her last breath on her own, she took off her oxgyen mask took her last breath and died.Peaceful, reassuring and ready. At that moment I no longer feared death. I knew that when my time care I would be ready.
So my blog isnt completely morbid, its not purely about dying but rather its about living. The passangers and crew on the Air France flight didnt see it coming. They were all probably in their own seperate worlds, thinking about getting home to family, reminsicing on their trip to Brazil or so engrossed in their meals or the shows they were watching they probably were oblivious to what was going on. That has me thinking. We all live our lives oblivious to what is going to happen next. We live like there is a tomorrow. Like we have all the time in the world. We plan for tomorrow, a week from now, a month, year, 10 years from now but all we really have is today. I am sure a lot of you, have that favourite perfume you use only on special occassions, the dishes you only pull out when company come on. That bottle of wine you plan to open when there is a big celebration. We all do that. I do that, I even have underwear I plan to wear on a special day. The question is, What makes today less special than tomorrow? Why can't today be that special day. The fact that we are here is special enough. lets stop waiting for tomorrow to do something. Lets do it today. I am all for planning, I believe that something should be put away incase tomorrow does come but at the same time live for today. Life is short. Lets not wait for a tragedy to start living.
Death scares me, probably scares most of us. The thought of never living again, not knowing what happens after one is gone if there is really heaven or hell and if there is, where I am going. Freaks me out. The inevitable. No matter what I do or say its going to come and it scares me. Not knowing when it will happen scares me, Knowing when it would happen would scare me more.There was probably only one time in my life I wasnt scared of dying. When my girl died. I saw her a couple of days before she died and she had accepted her fate. She knew it was coming and even if she was scared she sure didnt show it. She spent her last days comforting us instead of us comforting her. What made me realise she was ready to go was her last few moments on earth. Wanting to take her last breath on her own, she took off her oxgyen mask took her last breath and died.Peaceful, reassuring and ready. At that moment I no longer feared death. I knew that when my time care I would be ready.
So my blog isnt completely morbid, its not purely about dying but rather its about living. The passangers and crew on the Air France flight didnt see it coming. They were all probably in their own seperate worlds, thinking about getting home to family, reminsicing on their trip to Brazil or so engrossed in their meals or the shows they were watching they probably were oblivious to what was going on. That has me thinking. We all live our lives oblivious to what is going to happen next. We live like there is a tomorrow. Like we have all the time in the world. We plan for tomorrow, a week from now, a month, year, 10 years from now but all we really have is today. I am sure a lot of you, have that favourite perfume you use only on special occassions, the dishes you only pull out when company come on. That bottle of wine you plan to open when there is a big celebration. We all do that. I do that, I even have underwear I plan to wear on a special day. The question is, What makes today less special than tomorrow? Why can't today be that special day. The fact that we are here is special enough. lets stop waiting for tomorrow to do something. Lets do it today. I am all for planning, I believe that something should be put away incase tomorrow does come but at the same time live for today. Life is short. Lets not wait for a tragedy to start living.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I woke up
I woke up today. I had been living my life in a complete daze, coming and going following my very strict routine. I once ventured out, tried something new, I liked it but then I was too scared to continue it to the end so I came back. I really do not know why I did that, I guess the most obvious answer is fear but now I am curious to find out how it would have ended.
I believe my life has been already been laid out for me. I had a structured life. Had to follow the same path “normal people” followed because the results were always the same and secure but what if I went crazy for a little bit and went the opposite way? Would I fall off? Would I die? Or would I carry on? I am reading a very interesting book and although I am half way through, I feel like I am finally opening my eyes. It has me questioning a lot of things. For example? Who defined normal? Who said this way of life was normal? What if all the abnormal people were all normal and we were the crazy one?
The biggest question I always ask myself is, Had I done this instead of that? What would have happened? Don’t get me wrong, My life is alright, not the most exciting, not the best however its not bad but is this the life I want to lead? I don’t think so. I think its time I ventured out. Did what I want to do. Try new things, and not necessarily think of the consequences. In every situation there is always a 50/50 chance that it will or will not work but it all depends on how you look at the 50. Are you going to look at the 50 that it will work or you going to look at the 50 that it wont work. I think generally most people especially myself look at the 50 that it wont work. Now its time that we look at the 50 that it will work.
So what if it doesn’t work? You pick up and start again. And you keep trying till you have no tries left but until you have no tries left you keep going. I think I am going tolive my life the way I want to live it. Take risk, fail and try again The safe route is no longer an option. I woke up this morning. Not in the literal sense but in the figurative sense and I already like what I see.
I believe my life has been already been laid out for me. I had a structured life. Had to follow the same path “normal people” followed because the results were always the same and secure but what if I went crazy for a little bit and went the opposite way? Would I fall off? Would I die? Or would I carry on? I am reading a very interesting book and although I am half way through, I feel like I am finally opening my eyes. It has me questioning a lot of things. For example? Who defined normal? Who said this way of life was normal? What if all the abnormal people were all normal and we were the crazy one?
The biggest question I always ask myself is, Had I done this instead of that? What would have happened? Don’t get me wrong, My life is alright, not the most exciting, not the best however its not bad but is this the life I want to lead? I don’t think so. I think its time I ventured out. Did what I want to do. Try new things, and not necessarily think of the consequences. In every situation there is always a 50/50 chance that it will or will not work but it all depends on how you look at the 50. Are you going to look at the 50 that it will work or you going to look at the 50 that it wont work. I think generally most people especially myself look at the 50 that it wont work. Now its time that we look at the 50 that it will work.
So what if it doesn’t work? You pick up and start again. And you keep trying till you have no tries left but until you have no tries left you keep going. I think I am going tolive my life the way I want to live it. Take risk, fail and try again The safe route is no longer an option. I woke up this morning. Not in the literal sense but in the figurative sense and I already like what I see.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Misunderstood
Uncomplicated, open book, what you see is what you get is usually phrases I think are associated to the kind of person that I am. I don't think there is much to me. Nothing complex and complicated about me, however I think a lot of people misinterpret that to mean I am naive, too simple, maybe in some cases not bright but its actually the complete opposite of who I am.
My way of thinking may be different for most people my age, I see the world differently, some people might see it as naivety , I on the other hand think its just the way things should work or how they really are without all the complexities and the catastrophic mentalities walking around these days.
I view love, relationships, sex with an unusual eye, probably wont correspond to the thinking of most people but I wont change that for anyone. For example, when it comes to emotions I don't think there should be any games, I don't think there is a code that everyone must follow in order for you to secure the one you like,I still don't believe in catering hand and foot to anyone and that wont change unless they are willing to change but does that make me naive, i don't think so...a little difficult probably so, but clearly misunderstood.
So I conclude, I may be a lot of things, some you may like others you cant, but I am not going to change to please anyone or to be something I am not. Either you love me or you hate me, but I guess if you choose to stay, then you accept me for me...All I am is misunderstood!
My way of thinking may be different for most people my age, I see the world differently, some people might see it as naivety , I on the other hand think its just the way things should work or how they really are without all the complexities and the catastrophic mentalities walking around these days.
I view love, relationships, sex with an unusual eye, probably wont correspond to the thinking of most people but I wont change that for anyone. For example, when it comes to emotions I don't think there should be any games, I don't think there is a code that everyone must follow in order for you to secure the one you like,I still don't believe in catering hand and foot to anyone and that wont change unless they are willing to change but does that make me naive, i don't think so...a little difficult probably so, but clearly misunderstood.
So I conclude, I may be a lot of things, some you may like others you cant, but I am not going to change to please anyone or to be something I am not. Either you love me or you hate me, but I guess if you choose to stay, then you accept me for me...All I am is misunderstood!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
