Grateful

It's almost 11pm at night and every one is asleep. Finally some quiet! Don't get me wrong, I probably make the most noise but there are times when I just want some piece and quiet to reflect on my life. You may not know this, but even though I love to talk I actually enjoy not talking even more. So why do I talk? cus I can! lol However, sometimes I just want to be left alone, alone with my thoughts, to day dream, to dwell on the past,to think of the future to fantasize about different sexual acts I may want to get myself into. Anyway, I woke up this morning and for the first time in weeks I felt peace.

Its been hard. The past few months have been trying. Not knowing which direction my life was going to take. It seemed like everything I touched turn to stone. Flowers died when I stepped outside, it seems the sunniest days could get cloudy and raining the minute I chose to leave the house, my life was falling apart. I knew exactly which direction I wanted my life to go, but it seemed that the past few years, my life had lost control and was going down its own path without me. I have been struggling to keep up for so long that I almost gave up. However I finally realised this morning as I walked to the grocery store that I had allowed my life to go down its own path without me. I created this chaos. I dwelt so much on the negetive I never focused on what actually was going right in my life. For example, I have friends...true friends, very few but I have a few friends, I have never gone to bed hungry...well I have but thats only because i was trying to control my urges.I have never worried about a place to sleep,I even had a university education...which is useless to some extent but at least I have that. So I decided. I am not going to sit back and dwell on everything that seems to be wrong but focus on whats right. Its hard, especially for me but i have to try.

So I know a girl, who said By the end of last year she was going to be married...well guess what? She is getting engaged next month. Amazing, Wow! Unbelieveable...yes all that would be most people's reactions but quite honestly she put it out there and she believed it and it happened! Moral of the story, what you put out there you get. So i am going to try to speak positively. Sometimes its hard because when you share your dreams and aspirations with people some people are quick to shoot you down, find the flaws in your thinking, discourage you, make you doubt yourself but if I stop listening to them and listen to myself and believe it will happen!

So its 11pm now, I have an early bus to catch because my new life starts tomorrow but all i can say now is. I am grateful! My life is great!