Am I forsaken

Has the Lord Forsaken me! Am I his forgotten child? Will the Lord ever get to me? When will my time come? Why me? why me? Why me? These are thoughts that have been running through my mind constantly these past few months. I feel like I have fallen and there is no getting up. That bright light I saw at the end of the tunnel has been sealed off. My window of opportunity has been sealed shut and my door has been closed shut and the key thrown in the ocean. My woe is me mentality is weighing me down and though I want to say my faith is strong, its been withering away for months.

I know my life is not all that bad. I haven't been to bed hungry, I haven't worried about where to sleep. I haven't even worried about who loves me but when you have such high hopes and you believe that everything is going to work out and it seems like things are just getting worse and worse as the days go by you begin to wonder if there is ever an end! I dont want people to feel sorry for me and many times I even want to slap myself to snap out of it. its soo hard though! You see everyone around you is making things happen some way or the other and then I look at my life and no matter how hard i try i fail. I question my abilities, I question my intelligence, I question my actions. What have I done wrong? Am I being punished for a crime I committed? Are my evil ways and thoughts catching up to me? I wonder? I really wonder?

My faith has been walking on thin glass, my trust is waving thin. I do not know where to turn, in which direction to go. I dont even trust my instincts anymore.I dont even know if the decisions I have made in the past were smart.

However, I do not want to give up. I do not want to give in to my thoughts. I refuse to allow my negativity stand in my way! I still want to believe it will be well and everything will work out the way it needs to. I am going to try and start thanking God for what I have and just pray it only gets better! I have to! Its the only way I can stay sane.