I am sorry for the silence, I have had some major life changes and unfortunately I haven't been able to update my blog as much as I would want to, However these are good life changes but I believe better time management on my part, will assist me in updating my blogs as often as I would like and of course you would hope.
I have had a lot on my mind in relation to friendship and for a long time, I could not articulate my thoughts well enough to sound diplomatic but at the same time to get my point across the way I want it to be heard. I figured there is really no diplomatic way to speak from your heart so here it goes.
I recognise I not perfect, I recognise I have certain traits that may or may not rub people in the right way However I make no apology for who I am because I sincerely believe that above all I am who I am. I am true to myself and pretending to be something or someone I am not will not be fair on me and most importantly you. Unfortunately in most cases most people misunderstand who I am and what I represent and for those reasons may not necessarily want to be in presence at all times...and to be honest thats totally fine. Sometimes I dont want to be in your presence either. Doesnt mean I dont like you and respect you, it just means for that period of time the vibe is off and I may need to pull back and regroup, get my thoughts together and probably just get over whatever is bugging me at that particular time to be able to continue my friendship.
When I build relationships with anyone, regardless of the context my goal is to make that relationship last. Of course everyday is a learning process for me. Each day I learn something about the person I like or may not like but ultimately after a period of time, I weigh the friendship analyse it from all angles and then make a decision if this friendship is worth my time or not. If I realise its not worth my time, I gradually pull away and move on with my life, if it is worth my time, I invest all my energy time and space into the relationship to make it work. However, at times I have invested in a friendship where there was no reciprocrity.(sp) Those are the times I begin to wonder why? Is there a problem with me thats why the person can't be bothered to work on the friendship or have I been blinded for so long that I didnt realise the was r eally no friendship?
Moving on...I am an honest person. Sometimes brutally honest and affectionately called by a few as a bitch and you know what? I really dont care! I believe that when I am in a relationship with someone its important to be honest at all cost. Of course I have told that occassional white lie to boost the persons self esteem and thats only because I genuinely care about the persons well being and at that particular moment being brutal honest will do more harm than good so why can't people do the same with me?
I lose a friend every once in awhile and sometimes I can't be bothered;glad they are gone other times I really wish there was something I could do to bring them back but I am learning that sometimes letting go is whats important and I also learn that what I want in life is also very important and how I need to be treated is also very important. I also learnt that when you are at fault with a friend its important to apologise and make the situation right. We all have pride and at times we let our pride get the most of us but if you genuinely love and care about someone, its important to put your pride aside and ask for forgiveness because you know what? Sometimes thats all they want to hear to forgive you. I know with me thats all I want to hear. Someone genuinely sorry for what they have done and is asking forgiveness.
So here is my blog...might be awhile till I get to another one but i hope you enjoy this.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Wednesday evening
I haven't blogged in awhile and figured I should use this free time at work to blog...Ohh yes! I did say work! I finally found a job yay!!! Its definitely not my dream job but its good so far, its paying bills and most importantly getting me out of the house. Hopefully with this new job me leaving the house more often will help me lose the weight I gained while laying up on my couch mopping about not having a job. School started as well! Yay!! its going to be a long 8 months though. 12 courses 8 months...definitely a challenge but not impossible!
So i dont really have much to say although I should since its been awhile but I guess the only thing I really want to say is, Ladies, know your worth. Do not put up with any crap any guy is dishing out to you! Remember you are worthy of any man's love so if they are not giving it to you, pack your bags and keep it moving. Any man who makes you question whether you are worthy or not should not be tolerated. I am sick and tired of hearing girls going through very annoying situations that they can easily walk away from but choose not to. Yes if you are married and you have kids it might be a little harder to just get up and leave considering all the legalities involved but it still is not a good enough excuse to stay. When you are not legally bound to the man then please you shouldnt even think about whether you should stay and go. I am not saying men shouldnt up and leave when things are bad either because they should. I guess what I am trying to say is, know your worth. Understand that you are worth more than you might think you are and thus only accept to be treated with the greatest respect! If your partner can't offer you that then its time to keep it moving because trust me there is someone out there who is more than willing to show you that respect
Peace
So i dont really have much to say although I should since its been awhile but I guess the only thing I really want to say is, Ladies, know your worth. Do not put up with any crap any guy is dishing out to you! Remember you are worthy of any man's love so if they are not giving it to you, pack your bags and keep it moving. Any man who makes you question whether you are worthy or not should not be tolerated. I am sick and tired of hearing girls going through very annoying situations that they can easily walk away from but choose not to. Yes if you are married and you have kids it might be a little harder to just get up and leave considering all the legalities involved but it still is not a good enough excuse to stay. When you are not legally bound to the man then please you shouldnt even think about whether you should stay and go. I am not saying men shouldnt up and leave when things are bad either because they should. I guess what I am trying to say is, know your worth. Understand that you are worth more than you might think you are and thus only accept to be treated with the greatest respect! If your partner can't offer you that then its time to keep it moving because trust me there is someone out there who is more than willing to show you that respect
Peace
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
No Longer in Fashion.
I live in Canada, a country that is admired for its multiculturalism, the ability to practise your culture with no discrimination. A mosaic of cultures and people, admired for its diversity and its so called "no racism exist here" mindset. People can safely date people from other races and cultures and all they will exprience is the occasional glance and most times its to look at what they have on and not necessarily their skin tone. However, with all this in place, does it mean that someone has to face the consequences of all this diversity? Do some people have to go neglected because the masses are happy and thus the percentage of unhappy people are soo few its almost insignificant? However, should someone's happiness be put aside because most people are happy? Shouldnt every one find happiness?
Why all this talk about culture and diversity?Well its simple. The black women in Canada or rather most black women in Canada are suffering. We are neglected, we are thrown aside like day old bread. Very few people will pick it up and they only do because its on sale. Why should black women suffer? And why are they suffering.
I have walked the streets here and noticed that most black women today are single mainly for two reasons. 1. Most black women are only interested in Dating Black men, 2. Quite a number of Black men are dating non black women.
I have heard a variety of reasons for their choice in non black. A few that ticked me off were, A black woman is too hard headed, too independent. Come on too strong. Why should we became something we are not to secure a black man?
So lets put the whole black men are dating only white women argument for a minute. How about black men who do not date dark skinned black women. Suddenly being dark skin has become a crime. Why don't our own men love the variety in our skin? Why do they choose to date a black women only if she is closer in color to the white woman?
Dont get me wrong, I am not saying I do not believe in interracial marriages, i strongly believe that if you choose to marry someone black, white, asian, or whatever else you must choose to marry them because they possess personality traits that you find attractive, Being dark skinned or light skinned should have nothing to do with why you choose to marry that person. Because White or black, i can guarentee there are both good and bad in either group so the skin color should and must have nothing to do with your choice. But what makes people think, that dating someone of a fairer skin tone will make your life any better? Will create cuter kids, or children with easier to manage hair? When did skin color make you a better person?
A friend of mine once told me, he wants to date a woman with a lighter skin tone especially someone from somewhere else so that he could have children with a different background. In that Case then dont marry a woman from your country? Marry a woman from another country, different cultural back ground, even someone from a different city, that would mean your children has a different background.
I think its ridiculous and quite frankly pathetic when someone chooses to date a person from a different background/ or race clearly because they are from that race. How about who they are, what they want in life, how they make you feel, what they have accomplished how they treat you, their faith in God? when did everything boil down to their skin color and not who they are? Sad, I tell you Sad.
Personally I believe every human being is beautiful in their own right, and we all have different reasons for going for different people, however, when you purposely look down on your own because they do not possess the physical characterstics of another race then I believe you have a problem.
Black has already suffered enough. Many black people have felt less adequate and less beautiful than they already are, but when your own people treat you like you are not worthy how do you bounce back from that. Black is beautiful, in all its variations, but when you start to specify which black is beautiful then clearly you do not love who you are!
Why all this talk about culture and diversity?Well its simple. The black women in Canada or rather most black women in Canada are suffering. We are neglected, we are thrown aside like day old bread. Very few people will pick it up and they only do because its on sale. Why should black women suffer? And why are they suffering.
I have walked the streets here and noticed that most black women today are single mainly for two reasons. 1. Most black women are only interested in Dating Black men, 2. Quite a number of Black men are dating non black women.
I have heard a variety of reasons for their choice in non black. A few that ticked me off were, A black woman is too hard headed, too independent. Come on too strong. Why should we became something we are not to secure a black man?
So lets put the whole black men are dating only white women argument for a minute. How about black men who do not date dark skinned black women. Suddenly being dark skin has become a crime. Why don't our own men love the variety in our skin? Why do they choose to date a black women only if she is closer in color to the white woman?
Dont get me wrong, I am not saying I do not believe in interracial marriages, i strongly believe that if you choose to marry someone black, white, asian, or whatever else you must choose to marry them because they possess personality traits that you find attractive, Being dark skinned or light skinned should have nothing to do with why you choose to marry that person. Because White or black, i can guarentee there are both good and bad in either group so the skin color should and must have nothing to do with your choice. But what makes people think, that dating someone of a fairer skin tone will make your life any better? Will create cuter kids, or children with easier to manage hair? When did skin color make you a better person?
A friend of mine once told me, he wants to date a woman with a lighter skin tone especially someone from somewhere else so that he could have children with a different background. In that Case then dont marry a woman from your country? Marry a woman from another country, different cultural back ground, even someone from a different city, that would mean your children has a different background.
I think its ridiculous and quite frankly pathetic when someone chooses to date a person from a different background/ or race clearly because they are from that race. How about who they are, what they want in life, how they make you feel, what they have accomplished how they treat you, their faith in God? when did everything boil down to their skin color and not who they are? Sad, I tell you Sad.
Personally I believe every human being is beautiful in their own right, and we all have different reasons for going for different people, however, when you purposely look down on your own because they do not possess the physical characterstics of another race then I believe you have a problem.
Black has already suffered enough. Many black people have felt less adequate and less beautiful than they already are, but when your own people treat you like you are not worthy how do you bounce back from that. Black is beautiful, in all its variations, but when you start to specify which black is beautiful then clearly you do not love who you are!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Pathetic!!
My blogs recently have been about my strugglings and my challenges and how I am dealing with them, but today this is a totally different situation. Its about us women and what we expect from men.
I am 27, I believe I am attractive, college educated, going back to school to better myself, currently unemployed but qualified for almost anything, Not necessarily a runway model, but for a plus size girl or for someone who is on the border of plus size, I think I carry myself well. I was brought up well, with good morals and I believe that any man who I may come across will be more than happy with what I bring to the table. However I am still single. Some days its by choice, other days, I just can't seem to get them to like me. Someone may call me picky, others may say I just deserve the best...Me? I think I just have a lot more work to do on myself before I can honestly go to a man and expect him to offer me more than I can offer him. However, do I think I am desperate, do i hear my biological clock ticking and ready to jump the broom? Some days I wont lie, I do feel like I am closing drawing near my expiration date, other days I am like whatever! I am young, I haven't lived enough and until i can say I have done it all I am not ready to settle down.
Reason for my banter? Well every woman is different, Some women strongly believe they have to settle down and get the ball rolling and thus if it means jumping on the next guy that walks their way then so be it. Some people dont take to rejection well and will do everything in their power to keep that man who is just itching to go. I personally think the latter woman is pathetic. I believe every woman should realise their worth and not settle for less. If a guy clearly has told you he is not interested in you and you should keep it moving then do exactly that! Trying to sit back and figure out ways to keep him is dumb... Cus clearly even if you succeed in keeping that man, he is going to make your life a living hell.
The most pathetic woman in my book is the woman who delibrately gets pregnant thinking that bringing a child into the world will keep the man. Yes we all joke around and say we would have a particular celebrities baby because he looks good but honestly most of us will not do that if the opportunity came our way. So those who do it why? Having a baby by a man who does not want you will not keep him in your life...yes he may stick around just to be an honorable man but will he be yours? Physically yes! mentally, spiritually hell no!! My question however is this, why would you want to have a baby by a man who doesnt want you? Why would you lie to him and tell him you are on birth control and then suddenly become pregnant?
Okay so it seems like the woman are to blame in this blog and quite frankly no, they are not the only ones to blame, It takes two so clearly the man is at fault as well. Fellas, I know some of you can't live without pussy. Some of you can smell pussy from miles away and find your way there but honestly and truly I do not care how weak you are when it comes to self control, If you are with a woman and you no longer want to be with her. I do not care if she ends up walking across the room every night butt ass naked. Resist yourself, pack up your bags and leave! If you choose to stay, you have no right and I mean absolutely no right to get up the next day, tell her she trapped you, demand an abortion or even worse tell her you want nothing to do with the child. If you lay your bed be prepared to lie in it, no matter the circumstances! I do not care what you have to say, Unless you were raped by her or drugged and have no idea how she managed to get you in bed, you have no excuse for not wanting to be around. It is also your responsibility to make sure there are no accidents. Yes the woman lied to you and told you she was on birth control but if you choose to lie with a woman you really dont want to be with and you are with her just for the purposes of fucking then my dear thats your fault!
So my point here today is, This whole bullshit of women having babies for men just to trap them is pathetic! It's sad! And quite frankly women like that I have no sympathy for them. If you do not believe you deserve better then thats your problem. Yes it might be a self esteem issue but at the end of the day its on you to make sure mistakes like this dont happen. I have been rejected several times, I have sat around and prayed that guy I am feening for will feen for me too however, when i get the boot and I am told no, its no! I keep it moving. Most times, I tell myself the guy is absolutely insane and has no idea what he has missed out on and I believe that shit! So if you can't do the same and you wish to stick around and force a man to be with you, then thats your problem but keep the babies out of it! Fellas if you know you dont want to be with that female, then pack your shit and leave, dont give her any excuse to believe there is hope! The biggest shit i have heard is "Ohh she is going through a rough patch, this is not the time for me to break up with her" Bullshit, you staying in her life when clearly you want out is going to make things rougher when things do get better because she is going to believe you love her and want to be with her and then when things do get better she is going to suddenly break down even further knowing you were with her only because you felt sorry for her. A woman will deal with any situation if she really wants to.
I am 27, I believe I am attractive, college educated, going back to school to better myself, currently unemployed but qualified for almost anything, Not necessarily a runway model, but for a plus size girl or for someone who is on the border of plus size, I think I carry myself well. I was brought up well, with good morals and I believe that any man who I may come across will be more than happy with what I bring to the table. However I am still single. Some days its by choice, other days, I just can't seem to get them to like me. Someone may call me picky, others may say I just deserve the best...Me? I think I just have a lot more work to do on myself before I can honestly go to a man and expect him to offer me more than I can offer him. However, do I think I am desperate, do i hear my biological clock ticking and ready to jump the broom? Some days I wont lie, I do feel like I am closing drawing near my expiration date, other days I am like whatever! I am young, I haven't lived enough and until i can say I have done it all I am not ready to settle down.
Reason for my banter? Well every woman is different, Some women strongly believe they have to settle down and get the ball rolling and thus if it means jumping on the next guy that walks their way then so be it. Some people dont take to rejection well and will do everything in their power to keep that man who is just itching to go. I personally think the latter woman is pathetic. I believe every woman should realise their worth and not settle for less. If a guy clearly has told you he is not interested in you and you should keep it moving then do exactly that! Trying to sit back and figure out ways to keep him is dumb... Cus clearly even if you succeed in keeping that man, he is going to make your life a living hell.
The most pathetic woman in my book is the woman who delibrately gets pregnant thinking that bringing a child into the world will keep the man. Yes we all joke around and say we would have a particular celebrities baby because he looks good but honestly most of us will not do that if the opportunity came our way. So those who do it why? Having a baby by a man who does not want you will not keep him in your life...yes he may stick around just to be an honorable man but will he be yours? Physically yes! mentally, spiritually hell no!! My question however is this, why would you want to have a baby by a man who doesnt want you? Why would you lie to him and tell him you are on birth control and then suddenly become pregnant?
Okay so it seems like the woman are to blame in this blog and quite frankly no, they are not the only ones to blame, It takes two so clearly the man is at fault as well. Fellas, I know some of you can't live without pussy. Some of you can smell pussy from miles away and find your way there but honestly and truly I do not care how weak you are when it comes to self control, If you are with a woman and you no longer want to be with her. I do not care if she ends up walking across the room every night butt ass naked. Resist yourself, pack up your bags and leave! If you choose to stay, you have no right and I mean absolutely no right to get up the next day, tell her she trapped you, demand an abortion or even worse tell her you want nothing to do with the child. If you lay your bed be prepared to lie in it, no matter the circumstances! I do not care what you have to say, Unless you were raped by her or drugged and have no idea how she managed to get you in bed, you have no excuse for not wanting to be around. It is also your responsibility to make sure there are no accidents. Yes the woman lied to you and told you she was on birth control but if you choose to lie with a woman you really dont want to be with and you are with her just for the purposes of fucking then my dear thats your fault!
So my point here today is, This whole bullshit of women having babies for men just to trap them is pathetic! It's sad! And quite frankly women like that I have no sympathy for them. If you do not believe you deserve better then thats your problem. Yes it might be a self esteem issue but at the end of the day its on you to make sure mistakes like this dont happen. I have been rejected several times, I have sat around and prayed that guy I am feening for will feen for me too however, when i get the boot and I am told no, its no! I keep it moving. Most times, I tell myself the guy is absolutely insane and has no idea what he has missed out on and I believe that shit! So if you can't do the same and you wish to stick around and force a man to be with you, then thats your problem but keep the babies out of it! Fellas if you know you dont want to be with that female, then pack your shit and leave, dont give her any excuse to believe there is hope! The biggest shit i have heard is "Ohh she is going through a rough patch, this is not the time for me to break up with her" Bullshit, you staying in her life when clearly you want out is going to make things rougher when things do get better because she is going to believe you love her and want to be with her and then when things do get better she is going to suddenly break down even further knowing you were with her only because you felt sorry for her. A woman will deal with any situation if she really wants to.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
5,4,3, 2,.....
Its 7:17pm Saturday August 8th and I have some ribs in the oven cooking. Can't wait to sink my teeth into them. I am sitting on my couch watching cribs and chatting while my brother is lazing around in his room. Why can't he get his ass up to go buy me my damn cake already!
I haven't been myself for the past few months. Depression has become my best friend and for a long time I didnt know if I would ever snap out of it! Its hard to snap out of it when you focus on just all the things going wrong in your life and not the good. It finally took my sister to point out everything I had going for me to make me realise how good I realy have I have it!
"Think about it" she said, " The only thing you dont have now is a job, you have your bills being paid for, you got into school, you even have the chance to go out and hang out with friends" Something you wouldnt be able to do if your situation was far worse than it is. Until you start giving God thanks for what you have, how do you expect him to bless you with what you dont have?"
It took me awhile to really think it through and I realised she was right. It could be a lot worse, There are people out there who have kids they can't feed, roofs that they can't keep over their head, and no hope. Parents with sick kids they can't afford to get the medical attention they need and wont even be able to afford to bury them if they did die, bills they can't pay and no where to turn. Who am I? with all the necessities met and even the wants met have to complain.
Its human nature though, I am pretty sure that everyone believes their situation is the worst in the world, however when you really open your eyes and look around you realise you are better off than most! its time to give thanks, Praise God for his goodness and when asking to be blessed, Ask God to bless us so we can bless others.
As I spend my last few hours of my 26th year on this planet, I am grateful. I have had a great live. Its had its ups and downs its sad moments and happy moment but all in all I am blessed! And though my life is not where I want it to be, its where it needs to be! I just continue to ask God to bless me so I can use my blessings to bless others!!
Hello 27!
I haven't been myself for the past few months. Depression has become my best friend and for a long time I didnt know if I would ever snap out of it! Its hard to snap out of it when you focus on just all the things going wrong in your life and not the good. It finally took my sister to point out everything I had going for me to make me realise how good I realy have I have it!
"Think about it" she said, " The only thing you dont have now is a job, you have your bills being paid for, you got into school, you even have the chance to go out and hang out with friends" Something you wouldnt be able to do if your situation was far worse than it is. Until you start giving God thanks for what you have, how do you expect him to bless you with what you dont have?"
It took me awhile to really think it through and I realised she was right. It could be a lot worse, There are people out there who have kids they can't feed, roofs that they can't keep over their head, and no hope. Parents with sick kids they can't afford to get the medical attention they need and wont even be able to afford to bury them if they did die, bills they can't pay and no where to turn. Who am I? with all the necessities met and even the wants met have to complain.
Its human nature though, I am pretty sure that everyone believes their situation is the worst in the world, however when you really open your eyes and look around you realise you are better off than most! its time to give thanks, Praise God for his goodness and when asking to be blessed, Ask God to bless us so we can bless others.
As I spend my last few hours of my 26th year on this planet, I am grateful. I have had a great live. Its had its ups and downs its sad moments and happy moment but all in all I am blessed! And though my life is not where I want it to be, its where it needs to be! I just continue to ask God to bless me so I can use my blessings to bless others!!
Hello 27!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Is there an end in sight!
I am sick and tired and I am tired of being sick and tired. I take one step forward and there is always something that takes me 10 steps back. Honestly is it easier to just quit and accept my fate that things are not going to change, or keep going until I come out of this storm. Some days I really wonder if there is an end in sight. I wonder if I am ever going to say its over! Its my time now!
I have been unemployed since Janurary. Between Janurary and now, I havent even been given so much as a whisper. What is going on? Am I applying for all the wrong jobs? Are my expectations too high or too low? Are people not hiring? Is my name just too complicated for them to pronounce so they dont bother to look at my resume at all? I mean what is it? Is it racial? ARe there really no jobs out there. I dont get it! I apply for a job, I get the "We are sorry although you are qualified for this position we found someone who is more suitable for the job" However you go back days later and here is the job posted still hiring. So what is the deal? I can't take it no more!
You go to school, pay obscene amounts of money to get a college education, you take all the right classes get all the right grades and you come out of college with your bright shiny degree with bright hopes, thinking you are going to have all these jobs thrown in your face that it will even be hard to choose. 3 months go by nothing..You stay hopeful and just say to yourself it usually takes 6 months, 6 months roll by, you are getting antsy but you still remain hopeful, next you know its been almost a year and not even a phone call to say, we want to interview. What is going on? Is it really because of the bad economy or are companies just refusing to hire you! I know I am not alone and I know there is an end in sight, but when bill collectors dont care, and in order to survive you still need to buy food to stay alive so you can keep applying for work but at the end of the day you spending money you dont have, bills are going un paid, bill collectors hounding your ass like they depend on your money to pay their bills and depression seems to be your new best friend.
When will this end? How will it end? They say going back to school is the best option, but how do you go to school if you can't even get a loan because you dont have a job and your credit is probably jacked cus you can't pay your bills. I mean its a catch 22. Its easy to say life sucks but it doesnt, just everything in it that sucks! God help us! We need a break and we need a break fast!!
I have been unemployed since Janurary. Between Janurary and now, I havent even been given so much as a whisper. What is going on? Am I applying for all the wrong jobs? Are my expectations too high or too low? Are people not hiring? Is my name just too complicated for them to pronounce so they dont bother to look at my resume at all? I mean what is it? Is it racial? ARe there really no jobs out there. I dont get it! I apply for a job, I get the "We are sorry although you are qualified for this position we found someone who is more suitable for the job" However you go back days later and here is the job posted still hiring. So what is the deal? I can't take it no more!
You go to school, pay obscene amounts of money to get a college education, you take all the right classes get all the right grades and you come out of college with your bright shiny degree with bright hopes, thinking you are going to have all these jobs thrown in your face that it will even be hard to choose. 3 months go by nothing..You stay hopeful and just say to yourself it usually takes 6 months, 6 months roll by, you are getting antsy but you still remain hopeful, next you know its been almost a year and not even a phone call to say, we want to interview. What is going on? Is it really because of the bad economy or are companies just refusing to hire you! I know I am not alone and I know there is an end in sight, but when bill collectors dont care, and in order to survive you still need to buy food to stay alive so you can keep applying for work but at the end of the day you spending money you dont have, bills are going un paid, bill collectors hounding your ass like they depend on your money to pay their bills and depression seems to be your new best friend.
When will this end? How will it end? They say going back to school is the best option, but how do you go to school if you can't even get a loan because you dont have a job and your credit is probably jacked cus you can't pay your bills. I mean its a catch 22. Its easy to say life sucks but it doesnt, just everything in it that sucks! God help us! We need a break and we need a break fast!!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Frustrations!
Am I too picky? Are my expectations too high for myself that it is not unattainable? Should I settle for less just so I can say at least I have it or should I still aim high and hope something works out sooner than later although sooner seems to be later these days. I keep hearing this over and over and over again, " At least its better than nothing" " You have to start somewhere" I know! I Know!! But honestly why should I settle for less if I can have it all? It might take me a little longer but I will get there!
Here is what I believe. I graduated from high school almost 8 years ago, with good grades,Got me into University, did alright there and graduated with honors...4 years ago. I up and moved to the States, Didnt have the greatest job in the world but it was better than nothing and now I am back here with some experience under my belt. Maybe not the best of experience but enough to put me one step ahead of the high schoolers and university students. I am going back to school in the fall to get a certificate which will make me even more marketable and need I say qualified for even a better job. I haven't worked in 7 months, I know people who havent worked in a year but then all I get are rejection letters upon rejection letters...bills need to be paid and they are being paid but at the bare minimum...Fortunately I have great parents that understand my struggle and are willing to help me till I can do it on my own. At 27 I really dont want their help but unfortunately I need their help. I pray its not forever but right now who knows when forever will end.
However, It may seem like I am too proud, or I feel I am better than others but I believe that after paying 10s of thousands of dollars to get a university degree, even more to pay for a year of an mba and going to invest a little big more to get a certificate, I should not have to settle for a job, flipping burgers, or running groceries through a register or telling young teenagers that they should choose the blue top over the yellow top even though I know well and well they are going to chose both because daddy is paying just so i can say I have a pay check coming in! Dont get me wrong, I am not waiting for a job in my field before I accept a position or I am not waiting for a 6 figure job before I get back in the work field but I still do not think I should lower my standards just so I can have a pay check, A pay check that I will never see because, 3/4 of it will go towards transportation to work, and the other 1/4 will go towards paying for my lunch or dinner when I am at work. I mean at the end is it worth it?
People keep saying ohh at least its a pay check at least you have a job, I mean it wont be forever so why dont you just do that until something else comes my way and I mean I could, but the question I ask these people( and I am sure they will lie because they dont have to worry about having to go through this) is " If you were in my shoes, will you flip burgers? or run groceries through a cash machine after working for at least 2 years in your field, making decent money just so you can say you have a job?" In my opinion if you do choose to do that, then I say, you dont think you deserve better and you dont think you will get better. Times are rough people are struggling, the job market is even more competitive than it used to be, but do you have to lower your standards drastically just to get a job? A job you will quit in a matter of days because you absolutely can't stand it even though you are getting a pay check? Seriously I want you to think long and hard before responding? I know your answer will be no in your head because I know a few people who are in my shoes struggling just like me and they feel the exact same way I do, They refuse to go for that minimum flipping burgers job because they believe they deserve better. Trust me if you go what we are going through you will do the same!
So please, I understand you are concerned about me and you want me to have a job, but dont tell me to lower my standards just to have one. I will take the receptionist job because through there I can be promoted to something else, or instead of the Business Analyst position I want, i will take the jr analyst position just to get my foot in that door I might even take the secretary job working for the president just so I can get my feet wet, I will even be the assistant manager at old navy but dont tell me to be at cash ringing stuff through the register or dont ask me to flip burgers. If you wouldnt do it, dont expect me to. And if you choose to do it, then thats on you...but I am not you!
Here is what I believe. I graduated from high school almost 8 years ago, with good grades,Got me into University, did alright there and graduated with honors...4 years ago. I up and moved to the States, Didnt have the greatest job in the world but it was better than nothing and now I am back here with some experience under my belt. Maybe not the best of experience but enough to put me one step ahead of the high schoolers and university students. I am going back to school in the fall to get a certificate which will make me even more marketable and need I say qualified for even a better job. I haven't worked in 7 months, I know people who havent worked in a year but then all I get are rejection letters upon rejection letters...bills need to be paid and they are being paid but at the bare minimum...Fortunately I have great parents that understand my struggle and are willing to help me till I can do it on my own. At 27 I really dont want their help but unfortunately I need their help. I pray its not forever but right now who knows when forever will end.
However, It may seem like I am too proud, or I feel I am better than others but I believe that after paying 10s of thousands of dollars to get a university degree, even more to pay for a year of an mba and going to invest a little big more to get a certificate, I should not have to settle for a job, flipping burgers, or running groceries through a register or telling young teenagers that they should choose the blue top over the yellow top even though I know well and well they are going to chose both because daddy is paying just so i can say I have a pay check coming in! Dont get me wrong, I am not waiting for a job in my field before I accept a position or I am not waiting for a 6 figure job before I get back in the work field but I still do not think I should lower my standards just so I can have a pay check, A pay check that I will never see because, 3/4 of it will go towards transportation to work, and the other 1/4 will go towards paying for my lunch or dinner when I am at work. I mean at the end is it worth it?
People keep saying ohh at least its a pay check at least you have a job, I mean it wont be forever so why dont you just do that until something else comes my way and I mean I could, but the question I ask these people( and I am sure they will lie because they dont have to worry about having to go through this) is " If you were in my shoes, will you flip burgers? or run groceries through a cash machine after working for at least 2 years in your field, making decent money just so you can say you have a job?" In my opinion if you do choose to do that, then I say, you dont think you deserve better and you dont think you will get better. Times are rough people are struggling, the job market is even more competitive than it used to be, but do you have to lower your standards drastically just to get a job? A job you will quit in a matter of days because you absolutely can't stand it even though you are getting a pay check? Seriously I want you to think long and hard before responding? I know your answer will be no in your head because I know a few people who are in my shoes struggling just like me and they feel the exact same way I do, They refuse to go for that minimum flipping burgers job because they believe they deserve better. Trust me if you go what we are going through you will do the same!
So please, I understand you are concerned about me and you want me to have a job, but dont tell me to lower my standards just to have one. I will take the receptionist job because through there I can be promoted to something else, or instead of the Business Analyst position I want, i will take the jr analyst position just to get my foot in that door I might even take the secretary job working for the president just so I can get my feet wet, I will even be the assistant manager at old navy but dont tell me to be at cash ringing stuff through the register or dont ask me to flip burgers. If you wouldnt do it, dont expect me to. And if you choose to do it, then thats on you...but I am not you!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Get it together!
So Mary, This blog is for you. Its an open letter to you so enjoy!
Dear Mary,
I haven't been inspired much lately to blog. I haven't had much going on to blog about and quite frankly I am tired of my "woe is me" blogs so I figured until I have something better to write about I wont blog for awhile.
Anyway I just got off facebook after listening to a young ladies video blog and in fact it got me inspired. She was talking about how women are so quick to say men are dogs and there are no good men out there. However, she believes differently. She said, she believes there are a lot of good men out there but the problem usually is the woman. What are you putting out there? What is making you attract all these undesirable men. I mean as a woman if you say you want a man who is good looking and works out with a nice body, do you work out and have a good body? If you claim you want a man with a good job with good credit and is financially alright, you as the woman do you have those things together to attract such a man. So before we get up and claim all men are dogs and we can't find a good man, what are we putting out there to attract those men and that we need to love ourselves and put the right image out there before we can find that special someone. So it had me thinking, I am soo quick to look at my situation and say i have no luck and nothing is going my way and basically woe is me! I realise that everything going wrong in my life may be because of the image I put out there. What am I doing wrong that is attracting all this negative vibe and my problem is I give off a wrong vibe. For example my girl called me today. Haven't spoken to her since i left maryland and we were chatting. Mind you she and I are going through the exact same thing. We used to work together in DC and we both quit on the exact same day because we realised this job was going no where and she just graduated from her masters still has no job but her attitude is a lot more cheerful than me. She is upset that she hasnt found a job but at least when i picked up the fone it wasnt "ohhh I hate my life" Here I was "Ohh my life sucks, and I have no job, and no man" I mean thinking about now, had I been in her shoes I probably would have rolled my eyes and said get it together its not the end of the world!
I think its finally time I re-evaluated my life and stop complaining about why everything is wrong and start looking at what i can do to make it right, changing my image, believing in myself and praying that everything works out. I mean can't even blame men for not coming up to me. Obviously my facial expression tells them everything they need to know. Much more when I open my mouth and speak. So I am taking a vow to change my attitude towards life, to make the changes I need to make to put out positive vibes into the world and just have a better attitude towards everything.
Dear Mary,
I haven't been inspired much lately to blog. I haven't had much going on to blog about and quite frankly I am tired of my "woe is me" blogs so I figured until I have something better to write about I wont blog for awhile.
Anyway I just got off facebook after listening to a young ladies video blog and in fact it got me inspired. She was talking about how women are so quick to say men are dogs and there are no good men out there. However, she believes differently. She said, she believes there are a lot of good men out there but the problem usually is the woman. What are you putting out there? What is making you attract all these undesirable men. I mean as a woman if you say you want a man who is good looking and works out with a nice body, do you work out and have a good body? If you claim you want a man with a good job with good credit and is financially alright, you as the woman do you have those things together to attract such a man. So before we get up and claim all men are dogs and we can't find a good man, what are we putting out there to attract those men and that we need to love ourselves and put the right image out there before we can find that special someone. So it had me thinking, I am soo quick to look at my situation and say i have no luck and nothing is going my way and basically woe is me! I realise that everything going wrong in my life may be because of the image I put out there. What am I doing wrong that is attracting all this negative vibe and my problem is I give off a wrong vibe. For example my girl called me today. Haven't spoken to her since i left maryland and we were chatting. Mind you she and I are going through the exact same thing. We used to work together in DC and we both quit on the exact same day because we realised this job was going no where and she just graduated from her masters still has no job but her attitude is a lot more cheerful than me. She is upset that she hasnt found a job but at least when i picked up the fone it wasnt "ohhh I hate my life" Here I was "Ohh my life sucks, and I have no job, and no man" I mean thinking about now, had I been in her shoes I probably would have rolled my eyes and said get it together its not the end of the world!
I think its finally time I re-evaluated my life and stop complaining about why everything is wrong and start looking at what i can do to make it right, changing my image, believing in myself and praying that everything works out. I mean can't even blame men for not coming up to me. Obviously my facial expression tells them everything they need to know. Much more when I open my mouth and speak. So I am taking a vow to change my attitude towards life, to make the changes I need to make to put out positive vibes into the world and just have a better attitude towards everything.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
What to say
I haven't blogged in awhile, probably because I haven't had much to say, however I seem its necessary I say something so once again, I am going to have my random thoughts segment.
I am watching cribs right now, Why do they find it necessary to show houses that look crappier than mine?
Ikea, greatest store ever made, however the whole assembling thing is a bit annoying. Why dont they ever add words to the assembling? Sometimes the pictures dont make sense.
Pigeons, Pesky little things. Can't stand them! Even with out fake owl, these hardcore pigeons dont fear!
Facebook...Gossip book rather...seems like the only reason we have facebook pages is so we have something to gossip about! It hasn't stopped me from going there though.
Money. I love money but since I dont have any I dont get why we need it! Why can't we live in a world free of money and everything we needed and wanted is free!
Michael Jackson in my opinion is the greatest musical genius ever to walk the face of the earth. In death though people now realise his worth.
Happiness...I dont remember the last time I was unbelievably happy. Right now I can't even tell you what would m ake me unbelievably happy. I am not sad though, just not unbelievably happy.
Friends. Why do we only know who are true friends when we are going through stuff? why can't we realise our true friends when all is well?
Crushes. I have a crush on a guy...a guy who has a show on the food network. I dont know his name and I am pretty sure he is married...I dont even know if the show is based in Canada, the U.S or somewhere in Europe. He has a Spanish accent and his dimples make him soo hot!his show is not that great but he looks sooo good i watch it. Plus a man that can cook is a winner in my book anyday! anyway...I think i am gradually switching my interest to non black guys...might work out for me in the end.
The world is becoming a scary place! First the air France plane, then the washing metro crash, the plane from Yemen, Michael Jackson, my cousin in law Patrick, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, The orkin man,Steve mcnair...and the list goes on! Why now? what is going on? I believe we need to increase our prayers and ask God to see us through this!!
I am watching cribs right now, Why do they find it necessary to show houses that look crappier than mine?
Ikea, greatest store ever made, however the whole assembling thing is a bit annoying. Why dont they ever add words to the assembling? Sometimes the pictures dont make sense.
Pigeons, Pesky little things. Can't stand them! Even with out fake owl, these hardcore pigeons dont fear!
Facebook...Gossip book rather...seems like the only reason we have facebook pages is so we have something to gossip about! It hasn't stopped me from going there though.
Money. I love money but since I dont have any I dont get why we need it! Why can't we live in a world free of money and everything we needed and wanted is free!
Michael Jackson in my opinion is the greatest musical genius ever to walk the face of the earth. In death though people now realise his worth.
Happiness...I dont remember the last time I was unbelievably happy. Right now I can't even tell you what would m ake me unbelievably happy. I am not sad though, just not unbelievably happy.
Friends. Why do we only know who are true friends when we are going through stuff? why can't we realise our true friends when all is well?
Crushes. I have a crush on a guy...a guy who has a show on the food network. I dont know his name and I am pretty sure he is married...I dont even know if the show is based in Canada, the U.S or somewhere in Europe. He has a Spanish accent and his dimples make him soo hot!his show is not that great but he looks sooo good i watch it. Plus a man that can cook is a winner in my book anyday! anyway...I think i am gradually switching my interest to non black guys...might work out for me in the end.
The world is becoming a scary place! First the air France plane, then the washing metro crash, the plane from Yemen, Michael Jackson, my cousin in law Patrick, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, The orkin man,Steve mcnair...and the list goes on! Why now? what is going on? I believe we need to increase our prayers and ask God to see us through this!!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Grateful
It's almost 11pm at night and every one is asleep. Finally some quiet! Don't get me wrong, I probably make the most noise but there are times when I just want some piece and quiet to reflect on my life. You may not know this, but even though I love to talk I actually enjoy not talking even more. So why do I talk? cus I can! lol However, sometimes I just want to be left alone, alone with my thoughts, to day dream, to dwell on the past,to think of the future to fantasize about different sexual acts I may want to get myself into. Anyway, I woke up this morning and for the first time in weeks I felt peace.
Its been hard. The past few months have been trying. Not knowing which direction my life was going to take. It seemed like everything I touched turn to stone. Flowers died when I stepped outside, it seems the sunniest days could get cloudy and raining the minute I chose to leave the house, my life was falling apart. I knew exactly which direction I wanted my life to go, but it seemed that the past few years, my life had lost control and was going down its own path without me. I have been struggling to keep up for so long that I almost gave up. However I finally realised this morning as I walked to the grocery store that I had allowed my life to go down its own path without me. I created this chaos. I dwelt so much on the negetive I never focused on what actually was going right in my life. For example, I have friends...true friends, very few but I have a few friends, I have never gone to bed hungry...well I have but thats only because i was trying to control my urges.I have never worried about a place to sleep,I even had a university education...which is useless to some extent but at least I have that. So I decided. I am not going to sit back and dwell on everything that seems to be wrong but focus on whats right. Its hard, especially for me but i have to try.
So I know a girl, who said By the end of last year she was going to be married...well guess what? She is getting engaged next month. Amazing, Wow! Unbelieveable...yes all that would be most people's reactions but quite honestly she put it out there and she believed it and it happened! Moral of the story, what you put out there you get. So i am going to try to speak positively. Sometimes its hard because when you share your dreams and aspirations with people some people are quick to shoot you down, find the flaws in your thinking, discourage you, make you doubt yourself but if I stop listening to them and listen to myself and believe it will happen!
So its 11pm now, I have an early bus to catch because my new life starts tomorrow but all i can say now is. I am grateful! My life is great!
Its been hard. The past few months have been trying. Not knowing which direction my life was going to take. It seemed like everything I touched turn to stone. Flowers died when I stepped outside, it seems the sunniest days could get cloudy and raining the minute I chose to leave the house, my life was falling apart. I knew exactly which direction I wanted my life to go, but it seemed that the past few years, my life had lost control and was going down its own path without me. I have been struggling to keep up for so long that I almost gave up. However I finally realised this morning as I walked to the grocery store that I had allowed my life to go down its own path without me. I created this chaos. I dwelt so much on the negetive I never focused on what actually was going right in my life. For example, I have friends...true friends, very few but I have a few friends, I have never gone to bed hungry...well I have but thats only because i was trying to control my urges.I have never worried about a place to sleep,I even had a university education...which is useless to some extent but at least I have that. So I decided. I am not going to sit back and dwell on everything that seems to be wrong but focus on whats right. Its hard, especially for me but i have to try.
So I know a girl, who said By the end of last year she was going to be married...well guess what? She is getting engaged next month. Amazing, Wow! Unbelieveable...yes all that would be most people's reactions but quite honestly she put it out there and she believed it and it happened! Moral of the story, what you put out there you get. So i am going to try to speak positively. Sometimes its hard because when you share your dreams and aspirations with people some people are quick to shoot you down, find the flaws in your thinking, discourage you, make you doubt yourself but if I stop listening to them and listen to myself and believe it will happen!
So its 11pm now, I have an early bus to catch because my new life starts tomorrow but all i can say now is. I am grateful! My life is great!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Am I forsaken
Has the Lord Forsaken me! Am I his forgotten child? Will the Lord ever get to me? When will my time come? Why me? why me? Why me? These are thoughts that have been running through my mind constantly these past few months. I feel like I have fallen and there is no getting up. That bright light I saw at the end of the tunnel has been sealed off. My window of opportunity has been sealed shut and my door has been closed shut and the key thrown in the ocean. My woe is me mentality is weighing me down and though I want to say my faith is strong, its been withering away for months.
I know my life is not all that bad. I haven't been to bed hungry, I haven't worried about where to sleep. I haven't even worried about who loves me but when you have such high hopes and you believe that everything is going to work out and it seems like things are just getting worse and worse as the days go by you begin to wonder if there is ever an end! I dont want people to feel sorry for me and many times I even want to slap myself to snap out of it. its soo hard though! You see everyone around you is making things happen some way or the other and then I look at my life and no matter how hard i try i fail. I question my abilities, I question my intelligence, I question my actions. What have I done wrong? Am I being punished for a crime I committed? Are my evil ways and thoughts catching up to me? I wonder? I really wonder?
My faith has been walking on thin glass, my trust is waving thin. I do not know where to turn, in which direction to go. I dont even trust my instincts anymore.I dont even know if the decisions I have made in the past were smart.
However, I do not want to give up. I do not want to give in to my thoughts. I refuse to allow my negativity stand in my way! I still want to believe it will be well and everything will work out the way it needs to. I am going to try and start thanking God for what I have and just pray it only gets better! I have to! Its the only way I can stay sane.
I know my life is not all that bad. I haven't been to bed hungry, I haven't worried about where to sleep. I haven't even worried about who loves me but when you have such high hopes and you believe that everything is going to work out and it seems like things are just getting worse and worse as the days go by you begin to wonder if there is ever an end! I dont want people to feel sorry for me and many times I even want to slap myself to snap out of it. its soo hard though! You see everyone around you is making things happen some way or the other and then I look at my life and no matter how hard i try i fail. I question my abilities, I question my intelligence, I question my actions. What have I done wrong? Am I being punished for a crime I committed? Are my evil ways and thoughts catching up to me? I wonder? I really wonder?
My faith has been walking on thin glass, my trust is waving thin. I do not know where to turn, in which direction to go. I dont even trust my instincts anymore.I dont even know if the decisions I have made in the past were smart.
However, I do not want to give up. I do not want to give in to my thoughts. I refuse to allow my negativity stand in my way! I still want to believe it will be well and everything will work out the way it needs to. I am going to try and start thanking God for what I have and just pray it only gets better! I have to! Its the only way I can stay sane.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Death in the Air
I have been hesistating to write this blog for a few hours now but I just can't shake it so I finally decided to put it down. I lay awake this morning just thinking. I had just finished reading about the Air France story on cnn and the new update was 48 bodies have been found. At that moment all I could think about was death. The only sure thing for all of us. Dying.
Death scares me, probably scares most of us. The thought of never living again, not knowing what happens after one is gone if there is really heaven or hell and if there is, where I am going. Freaks me out. The inevitable. No matter what I do or say its going to come and it scares me. Not knowing when it will happen scares me, Knowing when it would happen would scare me more.There was probably only one time in my life I wasnt scared of dying. When my girl died. I saw her a couple of days before she died and she had accepted her fate. She knew it was coming and even if she was scared she sure didnt show it. She spent her last days comforting us instead of us comforting her. What made me realise she was ready to go was her last few moments on earth. Wanting to take her last breath on her own, she took off her oxgyen mask took her last breath and died.Peaceful, reassuring and ready. At that moment I no longer feared death. I knew that when my time care I would be ready.
So my blog isnt completely morbid, its not purely about dying but rather its about living. The passangers and crew on the Air France flight didnt see it coming. They were all probably in their own seperate worlds, thinking about getting home to family, reminsicing on their trip to Brazil or so engrossed in their meals or the shows they were watching they probably were oblivious to what was going on. That has me thinking. We all live our lives oblivious to what is going to happen next. We live like there is a tomorrow. Like we have all the time in the world. We plan for tomorrow, a week from now, a month, year, 10 years from now but all we really have is today. I am sure a lot of you, have that favourite perfume you use only on special occassions, the dishes you only pull out when company come on. That bottle of wine you plan to open when there is a big celebration. We all do that. I do that, I even have underwear I plan to wear on a special day. The question is, What makes today less special than tomorrow? Why can't today be that special day. The fact that we are here is special enough. lets stop waiting for tomorrow to do something. Lets do it today. I am all for planning, I believe that something should be put away incase tomorrow does come but at the same time live for today. Life is short. Lets not wait for a tragedy to start living.
Death scares me, probably scares most of us. The thought of never living again, not knowing what happens after one is gone if there is really heaven or hell and if there is, where I am going. Freaks me out. The inevitable. No matter what I do or say its going to come and it scares me. Not knowing when it will happen scares me, Knowing when it would happen would scare me more.There was probably only one time in my life I wasnt scared of dying. When my girl died. I saw her a couple of days before she died and she had accepted her fate. She knew it was coming and even if she was scared she sure didnt show it. She spent her last days comforting us instead of us comforting her. What made me realise she was ready to go was her last few moments on earth. Wanting to take her last breath on her own, she took off her oxgyen mask took her last breath and died.Peaceful, reassuring and ready. At that moment I no longer feared death. I knew that when my time care I would be ready.
So my blog isnt completely morbid, its not purely about dying but rather its about living. The passangers and crew on the Air France flight didnt see it coming. They were all probably in their own seperate worlds, thinking about getting home to family, reminsicing on their trip to Brazil or so engrossed in their meals or the shows they were watching they probably were oblivious to what was going on. That has me thinking. We all live our lives oblivious to what is going to happen next. We live like there is a tomorrow. Like we have all the time in the world. We plan for tomorrow, a week from now, a month, year, 10 years from now but all we really have is today. I am sure a lot of you, have that favourite perfume you use only on special occassions, the dishes you only pull out when company come on. That bottle of wine you plan to open when there is a big celebration. We all do that. I do that, I even have underwear I plan to wear on a special day. The question is, What makes today less special than tomorrow? Why can't today be that special day. The fact that we are here is special enough. lets stop waiting for tomorrow to do something. Lets do it today. I am all for planning, I believe that something should be put away incase tomorrow does come but at the same time live for today. Life is short. Lets not wait for a tragedy to start living.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I woke up
I woke up today. I had been living my life in a complete daze, coming and going following my very strict routine. I once ventured out, tried something new, I liked it but then I was too scared to continue it to the end so I came back. I really do not know why I did that, I guess the most obvious answer is fear but now I am curious to find out how it would have ended.
I believe my life has been already been laid out for me. I had a structured life. Had to follow the same path “normal people” followed because the results were always the same and secure but what if I went crazy for a little bit and went the opposite way? Would I fall off? Would I die? Or would I carry on? I am reading a very interesting book and although I am half way through, I feel like I am finally opening my eyes. It has me questioning a lot of things. For example? Who defined normal? Who said this way of life was normal? What if all the abnormal people were all normal and we were the crazy one?
The biggest question I always ask myself is, Had I done this instead of that? What would have happened? Don’t get me wrong, My life is alright, not the most exciting, not the best however its not bad but is this the life I want to lead? I don’t think so. I think its time I ventured out. Did what I want to do. Try new things, and not necessarily think of the consequences. In every situation there is always a 50/50 chance that it will or will not work but it all depends on how you look at the 50. Are you going to look at the 50 that it will work or you going to look at the 50 that it wont work. I think generally most people especially myself look at the 50 that it wont work. Now its time that we look at the 50 that it will work.
So what if it doesn’t work? You pick up and start again. And you keep trying till you have no tries left but until you have no tries left you keep going. I think I am going tolive my life the way I want to live it. Take risk, fail and try again The safe route is no longer an option. I woke up this morning. Not in the literal sense but in the figurative sense and I already like what I see.
I believe my life has been already been laid out for me. I had a structured life. Had to follow the same path “normal people” followed because the results were always the same and secure but what if I went crazy for a little bit and went the opposite way? Would I fall off? Would I die? Or would I carry on? I am reading a very interesting book and although I am half way through, I feel like I am finally opening my eyes. It has me questioning a lot of things. For example? Who defined normal? Who said this way of life was normal? What if all the abnormal people were all normal and we were the crazy one?
The biggest question I always ask myself is, Had I done this instead of that? What would have happened? Don’t get me wrong, My life is alright, not the most exciting, not the best however its not bad but is this the life I want to lead? I don’t think so. I think its time I ventured out. Did what I want to do. Try new things, and not necessarily think of the consequences. In every situation there is always a 50/50 chance that it will or will not work but it all depends on how you look at the 50. Are you going to look at the 50 that it will work or you going to look at the 50 that it wont work. I think generally most people especially myself look at the 50 that it wont work. Now its time that we look at the 50 that it will work.
So what if it doesn’t work? You pick up and start again. And you keep trying till you have no tries left but until you have no tries left you keep going. I think I am going tolive my life the way I want to live it. Take risk, fail and try again The safe route is no longer an option. I woke up this morning. Not in the literal sense but in the figurative sense and I already like what I see.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Misunderstood
Uncomplicated, open book, what you see is what you get is usually phrases I think are associated to the kind of person that I am. I don't think there is much to me. Nothing complex and complicated about me, however I think a lot of people misinterpret that to mean I am naive, too simple, maybe in some cases not bright but its actually the complete opposite of who I am.
My way of thinking may be different for most people my age, I see the world differently, some people might see it as naivety , I on the other hand think its just the way things should work or how they really are without all the complexities and the catastrophic mentalities walking around these days.
I view love, relationships, sex with an unusual eye, probably wont correspond to the thinking of most people but I wont change that for anyone. For example, when it comes to emotions I don't think there should be any games, I don't think there is a code that everyone must follow in order for you to secure the one you like,I still don't believe in catering hand and foot to anyone and that wont change unless they are willing to change but does that make me naive, i don't think so...a little difficult probably so, but clearly misunderstood.
So I conclude, I may be a lot of things, some you may like others you cant, but I am not going to change to please anyone or to be something I am not. Either you love me or you hate me, but I guess if you choose to stay, then you accept me for me...All I am is misunderstood!
My way of thinking may be different for most people my age, I see the world differently, some people might see it as naivety , I on the other hand think its just the way things should work or how they really are without all the complexities and the catastrophic mentalities walking around these days.
I view love, relationships, sex with an unusual eye, probably wont correspond to the thinking of most people but I wont change that for anyone. For example, when it comes to emotions I don't think there should be any games, I don't think there is a code that everyone must follow in order for you to secure the one you like,I still don't believe in catering hand and foot to anyone and that wont change unless they are willing to change but does that make me naive, i don't think so...a little difficult probably so, but clearly misunderstood.
So I conclude, I may be a lot of things, some you may like others you cant, but I am not going to change to please anyone or to be something I am not. Either you love me or you hate me, but I guess if you choose to stay, then you accept me for me...All I am is misunderstood!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The friend I can't get rid of!
I have known this friend since I probably was 8.Been there for me for many years! Through the rough times and the good times. We lost touch for a bit while I was in high school and even now, our friendship is on and off! Quite frankly though, I really want this friend gone! I really do! I mean seriously who wants to get rid of a friend that has been around since I was 8! 21 long years!Oops does that reveal my age? You might ask, what is soo wrong about this friend. I mean this friend has been with you for years! Whats soo wrong with them now that you really want them gone. Well this weight has prevented me from doing certain things I probably would want to do, prevents me from wearing certain types of clothes because it constantly reminds me how ridiculous I look in those clothes. However its that same friend that will show its ass the minute I have that second helping of apple pie! Showing me the effects of over eating and making me feel guilty the next morning when my tightest pair of jeans will not button up.
I really dont like this friend! I hate her/him actually! I mean some people say our relationship is not that bad and that with time I might be able to get rid of them but its really not that bad! However I can't stand them! I really can't! Plus some of my friends are quick to point out how bad this friend is and no matter how hard i work to get rid of him or her some days she wont go or she is soo quick to come back when i slip up!
Actually, you will be surprised most of you have this very friend! Fighting with them for years! Some of you managed to get rid of them and Kudos to you! Share your secret.
So as I embark on my journey to get rid of this friend I will keep you all posted! Might take longer than I hope but this time I am totally determined to get rid of he/she and I believe I will be successful! Wish me luck because its going to be a very long ride but it will happen! I am actually excited!! Finally going to be gone! All I can say is good riddance and dont ever come back!
Ohhh I guess you are wondering who this friend is... well, if you havent figured out by now, its my.... weight!
I really dont like this friend! I hate her/him actually! I mean some people say our relationship is not that bad and that with time I might be able to get rid of them but its really not that bad! However I can't stand them! I really can't! Plus some of my friends are quick to point out how bad this friend is and no matter how hard i work to get rid of him or her some days she wont go or she is soo quick to come back when i slip up!
Actually, you will be surprised most of you have this very friend! Fighting with them for years! Some of you managed to get rid of them and Kudos to you! Share your secret.
So as I embark on my journey to get rid of this friend I will keep you all posted! Might take longer than I hope but this time I am totally determined to get rid of he/she and I believe I will be successful! Wish me luck because its going to be a very long ride but it will happen! I am actually excited!! Finally going to be gone! All I can say is good riddance and dont ever come back!
Ohhh I guess you are wondering who this friend is... well, if you havent figured out by now, its my.... weight!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Fake ass bitches
I have a lot of friends...many I made along the way. Of course like all friends, you have the branches, the leaves and the roots...My root friends very few but what hurts the most is knowing that one of your so called "roots" is actually a weed! coniving, ruthless and just low down dirty. Pretends they love you, pretends they want whats best for you, but they go around just killing all your flowers, making your garden look uncared for. You give them your all, you give them your trust but when you turn around they are the first to stab you in the back...fake ass bitches! fucking ass bitches. Cant trust them, never should. Even when they make you think they have your best at heart dont trust them.
I hate it when they pretend to like you when really they hate you! I am one of those people, I dont need to keep friends to validate myself. If I actually want you in my life, I will make you stay but if I dont you can fly. Dont do me any favours. If you want out leave! I am not holding you back. But dont stay if you dont want to. Dont stay if all you do is talk shit behind me! Going around saying shit you dont even know! GET LOST!!! FUCKING LEAVE! I dont need you!!!
I am hurt, I feel betrayed, I feel lied to! Let me tell you this, Once I am done, its over! There is no coming back! And if you even want back I wont let you in! FAKE ASS BITCHES!!
I hate it when they pretend to like you when really they hate you! I am one of those people, I dont need to keep friends to validate myself. If I actually want you in my life, I will make you stay but if I dont you can fly. Dont do me any favours. If you want out leave! I am not holding you back. But dont stay if you dont want to. Dont stay if all you do is talk shit behind me! Going around saying shit you dont even know! GET LOST!!! FUCKING LEAVE! I dont need you!!!
I am hurt, I feel betrayed, I feel lied to! Let me tell you this, Once I am done, its over! There is no coming back! And if you even want back I wont let you in! FAKE ASS BITCHES!!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Journey
It's been a long day and yet my day is far from over. I never though this day would come and yet I saw it coming. I knew it was going to happen no matter how many times I postponed it. It's like knowing your fate and yet still trying to find ways to prolong the the process. Though I did not want this day to come, I am not sad. I actually feel fulfilled. Like my purpose has been served. My chapter has come to a close. Its scary yet exciting at the same time. My needs, my desires, my goals haven't changed I still want the same thing but right now, I am at peace with where my life has taken me. Not necessarily the path I had chosen for myself but its okay. For some reason I strongly believe that though its not where I was headed, it was where I needed to go.
I've been up since 7:30 this morning and it just seems like the day flew. One minute i was kissing and playing with my nephews in Maryland the next I was lugging my heavy bags down the busy streets of Manhattan! I kept repeating to myself " I really need to learn how to pack light" I might be the only person who feels this way but I never know what to bring along with me. My friends have teased me for years about my inability to pack light but now I am beginning to realise that my indecisive ways of not knowing exactly what to bring my land me in hospital with severe back pains if i continue to travel this way.
My day had been going pretty okay...seemed like everything was falling into place till I got to port authority and found out that my tix to Canada was no longer valid and i had to dish out an exuberant amount of money for a new tix! Of course I was upset about it but I managed to convince myself that it was better to have dished out the money than to wait till I actually was boarding the bus and was told that I couldn't board the bus and risk missing the bus and being stuck on the streets of Manhattan for the night with no place to stay. Now that would have been upsetting. Instead, I have paid for a tix with money I don't have but at least I am sitting comfortably on a bus on my way to Toronto.
I think my time in Maryland was worthwhile. A lot happened while i was there yet, nothing happened at all! I finally realised that even though i do have people i love and care about there, i could live there even without them. Of course I would miss them dearly but I realised that my love for the states didn't have to do with family and friends but just feeling like i was somewhere I belonged. Somewhere I felt at home even when I had no money in my pocket and had absolutely nothing to do.
I grew up in Maryland. I matured. I opened my eyes to a lot of things around me that i previously was blind to and most importantly I came to a decision about something I was holding back on. I know its not going to be the same but its okay because I had to do it for me and no one else...
So as I journey back home, I think to myself...is this life? Or is it just the beginning?...
I've been up since 7:30 this morning and it just seems like the day flew. One minute i was kissing and playing with my nephews in Maryland the next I was lugging my heavy bags down the busy streets of Manhattan! I kept repeating to myself " I really need to learn how to pack light" I might be the only person who feels this way but I never know what to bring along with me. My friends have teased me for years about my inability to pack light but now I am beginning to realise that my indecisive ways of not knowing exactly what to bring my land me in hospital with severe back pains if i continue to travel this way.
My day had been going pretty okay...seemed like everything was falling into place till I got to port authority and found out that my tix to Canada was no longer valid and i had to dish out an exuberant amount of money for a new tix! Of course I was upset about it but I managed to convince myself that it was better to have dished out the money than to wait till I actually was boarding the bus and was told that I couldn't board the bus and risk missing the bus and being stuck on the streets of Manhattan for the night with no place to stay. Now that would have been upsetting. Instead, I have paid for a tix with money I don't have but at least I am sitting comfortably on a bus on my way to Toronto.
I think my time in Maryland was worthwhile. A lot happened while i was there yet, nothing happened at all! I finally realised that even though i do have people i love and care about there, i could live there even without them. Of course I would miss them dearly but I realised that my love for the states didn't have to do with family and friends but just feeling like i was somewhere I belonged. Somewhere I felt at home even when I had no money in my pocket and had absolutely nothing to do.
I grew up in Maryland. I matured. I opened my eyes to a lot of things around me that i previously was blind to and most importantly I came to a decision about something I was holding back on. I know its not going to be the same but its okay because I had to do it for me and no one else...
So as I journey back home, I think to myself...is this life? Or is it just the beginning?...
Friday, May 22, 2009
Random thoughts
So I decided, my blogs will not always take the story telling form. Some days I'll have blogs just talk about different things going through my head. So sit back and enjoy.
Teeth:
I love my teeth. The only thing that make my teeth less than perfect is, when I was 10 I believe, I was playing hide and seek, I fell down and chipped my front tooth..gives my smile character and in some cases not that obvious but what thing that really bugs me about my teeth is the fact that stuff get stuck in there and sometimes can only be removed through flossing. Do people with gappy teeth face that problem? Does food ever get stuck in gappy teeth? Does it mean they do not have to floss?
Body:
Who honestly decided that they know what the perfect body should be? Isn't the perfect body defined by each person? Why do I sometimes feel soo insecure about how I look because I believe that my body is far from perfect? Why can't I love me for being me? why do I have to strive to be something else? I think I have decent legs, I think my shape is beautiful, might not have a big ass but I do have big breast so I can't be that bad. But really who defined what the perfect body is? Why can't I just love who i am instead of comparing my body to other women?
Love:
Have I been in love? I don't know don't really think I have? am I in love right now? Maybe who knows? may be not. How come, we fall for those who don't fall for us? What makes that person so special that makes you fall for them but doesn't make you special enough for them to fall for you? Why is life such a way that we can't meet the one right away and just be with them forever. Why do we have to go through meeting so many different people before we settle for one and even then, its not guaranteed? Do women fall harder than men? or do men fall harder but are just better at hiding their emotions? Why can't we just be able to figure out when someone feels strongly about you. why do we enter love blind? Why cant you get over someone as quickly. Why do we even fall in love?
Religion:
I believe in God, I strongly do! However, I wonder sometimes, is he really there? What makes our believe so strong or so weak that we cant understand? Do people have faith when they say they have faith? Or people say they have faith because once you believe in God you are supposed to? I like to believe I have faith. but most times I doubt life and circumstances and shameful as this may sound God's ability. I know he exist and I do know he has done so much for me but some days I wonder is he really there?
Parents:
I love my parents! I love them to death. Life without them is unimaginable. Am I happy with them? Probably not? do I like them? some days I really do some days I probably don't. Why? because they don't get me(but mind you some days I don't get myself) I like to believe they do want whats best for me but I honestly wonder if they know what is best for me? Isn't really what they want for me more of what they want for themselves. I strongly believe parents live vicariously through their children. they may not believe that but its true. Its like their second chance of rectifying the past. Unfortunately they forget that we are separate human beings with separate ways of thinking and thus may not have common interest and path. Will I become my parents...I hate to admit but I probably will..I will try to switch things up but I strongly believe that no matter what you do become like your parents even if you try not to be...
Teeth:
I love my teeth. The only thing that make my teeth less than perfect is, when I was 10 I believe, I was playing hide and seek, I fell down and chipped my front tooth..gives my smile character and in some cases not that obvious but what thing that really bugs me about my teeth is the fact that stuff get stuck in there and sometimes can only be removed through flossing. Do people with gappy teeth face that problem? Does food ever get stuck in gappy teeth? Does it mean they do not have to floss?
Body:
Who honestly decided that they know what the perfect body should be? Isn't the perfect body defined by each person? Why do I sometimes feel soo insecure about how I look because I believe that my body is far from perfect? Why can't I love me for being me? why do I have to strive to be something else? I think I have decent legs, I think my shape is beautiful, might not have a big ass but I do have big breast so I can't be that bad. But really who defined what the perfect body is? Why can't I just love who i am instead of comparing my body to other women?
Love:
Have I been in love? I don't know don't really think I have? am I in love right now? Maybe who knows? may be not. How come, we fall for those who don't fall for us? What makes that person so special that makes you fall for them but doesn't make you special enough for them to fall for you? Why is life such a way that we can't meet the one right away and just be with them forever. Why do we have to go through meeting so many different people before we settle for one and even then, its not guaranteed? Do women fall harder than men? or do men fall harder but are just better at hiding their emotions? Why can't we just be able to figure out when someone feels strongly about you. why do we enter love blind? Why cant you get over someone as quickly. Why do we even fall in love?
Religion:
I believe in God, I strongly do! However, I wonder sometimes, is he really there? What makes our believe so strong or so weak that we cant understand? Do people have faith when they say they have faith? Or people say they have faith because once you believe in God you are supposed to? I like to believe I have faith. but most times I doubt life and circumstances and shameful as this may sound God's ability. I know he exist and I do know he has done so much for me but some days I wonder is he really there?
Parents:
I love my parents! I love them to death. Life without them is unimaginable. Am I happy with them? Probably not? do I like them? some days I really do some days I probably don't. Why? because they don't get me(but mind you some days I don't get myself) I like to believe they do want whats best for me but I honestly wonder if they know what is best for me? Isn't really what they want for me more of what they want for themselves. I strongly believe parents live vicariously through their children. they may not believe that but its true. Its like their second chance of rectifying the past. Unfortunately they forget that we are separate human beings with separate ways of thinking and thus may not have common interest and path. Will I become my parents...I hate to admit but I probably will..I will try to switch things up but I strongly believe that no matter what you do become like your parents even if you try not to be...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Shaved legs and wrinkles clothes
I am tired, I am exhausted and I am hot! Its only 3:30pm and I feel like I have been up since yesterday. I am contemplating on whether to take a quick power nap so I am ready for the kids when they come up the stairs or to just sit back and breath..at this rate the relaxing part is probably my best option since I know that once I lay my head down I wont be up for hours...As I inhale deeply I reflect back on my day and it all comes back to me....
I lay asleep, deep and peaceful lost in my dreams as I heard my name whispered softly as I wonder where the voice is coming from, I hear my door squeak open an I get up! "Ohhh Right!" I said as I remembered that she had to go into work this morning as I promised to lay by the kids till they woke up. As my cousin gave me a minute to gather my stuff and head into her room as she got ready, it dawned on me I had lunch plans today and that I really wont have that much time after I get the kids settled in with the nanny. As I run a mental check of the clothes I could possibly wear out I walked into my cousins room and got into bed.
It's 8:30am and I am standing in the pantry trying to decide whether to have cereal or toast as it dawned on me how tired I was. I thought it was going to be easy. Once I got to my cousins bedroom I immediately assumed that if I at least managed to get the baby back to sleep I would be able to catch a quick snooze before the older child got up, Unfortunately just as the baby drifted into sleep, the older one woke up and I knew my chance of snoozing was gone for the day. I tried to stay up but my eyes kept closing until I finally just got up and chased the little one around as he decided it would be fun to get into everything!I was frustrated! Can't he just nod off again? Geez! I am tired, but the more i chased him, the more excited he got because he thought it was a game! I finally got them dressed and ready to spend the rest of the day with the nanny as I sat and ate my cereal. I was planning my day, I was going to visit my girlfriend and then head into the city for lunch. "Drat!" As I ran my hands down my legs " I have to shave!" I quickly run up the stairs to head into the bathroom. Just as I take off my clothes it occurs to me I really have to iron my clothes! I hate ironing but I wasn't going to go into the city with hairy legs and wrinkled clothes.
I sit on my bed in my shorts and bra and it dawns on me. I didn't check to see if our lunch was still on for noon! As I lean over and type a message, I try to put my clothes together. "I am sorry I think I am going to have to cancel" the message read.
"What" I yell! as I sink into my bed with disappointment! Of course my immediate response to him was "ohh" as he continues to explain. "its not his fault!" I thought but my immediate reaction was upset and disappointment...I really hate to admit it but I had been looking forward to it. I always enjoy his company, he makes me laugh and our conversations are always fun. I guess I just had to deal it was just not going to be.
I lay asleep, deep and peaceful lost in my dreams as I heard my name whispered softly as I wonder where the voice is coming from, I hear my door squeak open an I get up! "Ohhh Right!" I said as I remembered that she had to go into work this morning as I promised to lay by the kids till they woke up. As my cousin gave me a minute to gather my stuff and head into her room as she got ready, it dawned on me I had lunch plans today and that I really wont have that much time after I get the kids settled in with the nanny. As I run a mental check of the clothes I could possibly wear out I walked into my cousins room and got into bed.
It's 8:30am and I am standing in the pantry trying to decide whether to have cereal or toast as it dawned on me how tired I was. I thought it was going to be easy. Once I got to my cousins bedroom I immediately assumed that if I at least managed to get the baby back to sleep I would be able to catch a quick snooze before the older child got up, Unfortunately just as the baby drifted into sleep, the older one woke up and I knew my chance of snoozing was gone for the day. I tried to stay up but my eyes kept closing until I finally just got up and chased the little one around as he decided it would be fun to get into everything!I was frustrated! Can't he just nod off again? Geez! I am tired, but the more i chased him, the more excited he got because he thought it was a game! I finally got them dressed and ready to spend the rest of the day with the nanny as I sat and ate my cereal. I was planning my day, I was going to visit my girlfriend and then head into the city for lunch. "Drat!" As I ran my hands down my legs " I have to shave!" I quickly run up the stairs to head into the bathroom. Just as I take off my clothes it occurs to me I really have to iron my clothes! I hate ironing but I wasn't going to go into the city with hairy legs and wrinkled clothes.
I sit on my bed in my shorts and bra and it dawns on me. I didn't check to see if our lunch was still on for noon! As I lean over and type a message, I try to put my clothes together. "I am sorry I think I am going to have to cancel" the message read.
"What" I yell! as I sink into my bed with disappointment! Of course my immediate response to him was "ohh" as he continues to explain. "its not his fault!" I thought but my immediate reaction was upset and disappointment...I really hate to admit it but I had been looking forward to it. I always enjoy his company, he makes me laugh and our conversations are always fun. I guess I just had to deal it was just not going to be.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
4am
It's hot! My throat feels a little scratchy and I am debating whether I should go back upstairs and pick up my lap top charger to charge up my lap top but the thought of going up the stairs just after I descended them does not appeal to me. Oprah is on but I have no clue what the story for today is about and quite honestly I do not care but the only thing on my mind right now is 4am this morning.
4am, fast asleep probably dreaming of some hot guy just running his hands down my body as i moan in Ecstasy and then I feel it, I hear it, the buzzing and vibrating sound that I know a little too well some days I am glad to hear it and feel it others I just want it to shut up! I contemplate whether to roll over and grab it or to keep lying there till it goes of but my curiosity has the best of me and quite honestly I just want to know who could be interrupting such pleasure so I lean over and pick it up...."grrrr!!" I can't believe it!! This psycho!!!! Like seriously!!! I quickly hit the ignore button and roll back over as I try to recapture the pleasure I was experiencing before....
7:30am
I pick up my fone, look at missed calls and realise, it really wasn't a dream. It really did ring at 4am! I can't believe this!! I switch to my sms option and quickly send a text. I know this text will definitely get the reaction I am looking for...and yes some sympathy as well. 20 minutes later I hear my familiar ring tone "You give me hell" I love American Rejects! I quickly pick up and to no surprise it was the call I had been expecting! " Hahahahahahhahaha Girl! I know! She is crazy!! I told she was going to blow up your fone "my cousin said as she continued to chuckle! " I was sooo mad!!! I mean come on!! Just because you are mad at her does not mean i have to get a call and at 4am!! I mean seriously! I tell you girl, I really can't keep dealing with this! Its not my fault things are turning out the way they are. She is really getting on my nerves!" As we chitter chatter a bit more, my cousin ends the call by saying she has to rush off into a meeting and will call me once she was out of her meeting and I hang up. I pick up my fone again and send a message " Is everything okay?" within seconds I get a response. " Yes everything is fine, I am sorry my fone must have dialed your number while I was at work but I am heading to bed now so I will call you back" I say goodbye and I feel a little silly but at the same time I am a bit skeptical...seriously? My name does not start with the first letter in the alphabet so for the phone to mistakenly Dial my number is a bit fishy but I let it go....
I love her! She is great and I instantly connected with her when I first met her but after getting to know her a bit more, I really question her mental health. Is she okay? Is she disturbed or is she just extremely abused that some things that just does not make sense to the average person makes perfect sense to her! I begin to wonder if continuing a friendship with her is worth while or should I just try to be a bit more understanding to her situation, but its really hard....
4am, fast asleep probably dreaming of some hot guy just running his hands down my body as i moan in Ecstasy and then I feel it, I hear it, the buzzing and vibrating sound that I know a little too well some days I am glad to hear it and feel it others I just want it to shut up! I contemplate whether to roll over and grab it or to keep lying there till it goes of but my curiosity has the best of me and quite honestly I just want to know who could be interrupting such pleasure so I lean over and pick it up...."grrrr!!" I can't believe it!! This psycho!!!! Like seriously!!! I quickly hit the ignore button and roll back over as I try to recapture the pleasure I was experiencing before....
7:30am
I pick up my fone, look at missed calls and realise, it really wasn't a dream. It really did ring at 4am! I can't believe this!! I switch to my sms option and quickly send a text. I know this text will definitely get the reaction I am looking for...and yes some sympathy as well. 20 minutes later I hear my familiar ring tone "You give me hell" I love American Rejects! I quickly pick up and to no surprise it was the call I had been expecting! " Hahahahahahhahaha Girl! I know! She is crazy!! I told she was going to blow up your fone "my cousin said as she continued to chuckle! " I was sooo mad!!! I mean come on!! Just because you are mad at her does not mean i have to get a call and at 4am!! I mean seriously! I tell you girl, I really can't keep dealing with this! Its not my fault things are turning out the way they are. She is really getting on my nerves!" As we chitter chatter a bit more, my cousin ends the call by saying she has to rush off into a meeting and will call me once she was out of her meeting and I hang up. I pick up my fone again and send a message " Is everything okay?" within seconds I get a response. " Yes everything is fine, I am sorry my fone must have dialed your number while I was at work but I am heading to bed now so I will call you back" I say goodbye and I feel a little silly but at the same time I am a bit skeptical...seriously? My name does not start with the first letter in the alphabet so for the phone to mistakenly Dial my number is a bit fishy but I let it go....
I love her! She is great and I instantly connected with her when I first met her but after getting to know her a bit more, I really question her mental health. Is she okay? Is she disturbed or is she just extremely abused that some things that just does not make sense to the average person makes perfect sense to her! I begin to wonder if continuing a friendship with her is worth while or should I just try to be a bit more understanding to her situation, but its really hard....
Lets get started!
Hello World,
I believe I may have blogged before, nothing too serious, nothing extraordinary but as time goes on, I realise there is soo much to say so why not just put it out there. I do not believe my blogs may not be that interesting or insightful but hey, if the medium is available for me to express myself I might as well, So here I go!
I look at my life right now, and I believe its in chaos, maybe not chaotic but probably not as simple as it should be. I wonder sometimes, where is my life going? where am I going? I feel like I am in this vortex and I just keep getting sucked in but at the same time its almost by choice. As much as I like to believe there is a reason for why my life is the way it is, I sometimes believe I caused it. I do not want to get into too much details right now regarding the state of my affairs but each day as the day goes by I wonder,Is this really the direction I am headed or is this just a phase I am in and will soon snap out of it and get it together?....
My view on life changes each day depending on the situation. Some days I am extremely religious where I strongly believe God is in control of the direction I am taking and some days I am like? Get it together! You can change this if you really wanted to? So what can I say? I am confused? Maybe! I might be a little psychotic? probably so! Am I happy? I might be! Do I make sense? Definitely not! However, does it change the way I think? Not really!
So as I conclude this blog, I say to myself, Did I get a point across? Maybe I did maybe I didn't but like I said this is my first blog and I do believe with time and as circumstances change I will or might have enough things to say but till then I say stick with me, because its going to get a whole lot more interesting!
Cheers!
I believe I may have blogged before, nothing too serious, nothing extraordinary but as time goes on, I realise there is soo much to say so why not just put it out there. I do not believe my blogs may not be that interesting or insightful but hey, if the medium is available for me to express myself I might as well, So here I go!
I look at my life right now, and I believe its in chaos, maybe not chaotic but probably not as simple as it should be. I wonder sometimes, where is my life going? where am I going? I feel like I am in this vortex and I just keep getting sucked in but at the same time its almost by choice. As much as I like to believe there is a reason for why my life is the way it is, I sometimes believe I caused it. I do not want to get into too much details right now regarding the state of my affairs but each day as the day goes by I wonder,Is this really the direction I am headed or is this just a phase I am in and will soon snap out of it and get it together?....
My view on life changes each day depending on the situation. Some days I am extremely religious where I strongly believe God is in control of the direction I am taking and some days I am like? Get it together! You can change this if you really wanted to? So what can I say? I am confused? Maybe! I might be a little psychotic? probably so! Am I happy? I might be! Do I make sense? Definitely not! However, does it change the way I think? Not really!
So as I conclude this blog, I say to myself, Did I get a point across? Maybe I did maybe I didn't but like I said this is my first blog and I do believe with time and as circumstances change I will or might have enough things to say but till then I say stick with me, because its going to get a whole lot more interesting!
Cheers!
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